Head Jam

Going back to what I wrote about the bird... and this year.

Tonight I heard a man say that the reason God doesn't show you his plan-is because if he did we would run the other way. Too true. If I had know what would happen last year at the start of the year I would have dreaded every day, for fear of what I knew would at some point be happening. In the same way, if I knew today what would happen in a month's time-I'm sure I'd do something to make it happen sooner (if it was a happy thing) or do everything in my power to avoid it (if it was bad). God knew this. So he saved me the worrying, and lets me know when I need to know-which is usually right about when the event occurs.

He said something else which struck me.

That God has a vision for each of us. That he has something specifically for (insert name here...) to do, that nobody else can do. And that, if we can see and take hold of the vision which God has for our lives, then that removes all jealousy, and bitterness, and feeling threatened etc, the feelings we all get when we feel we're in danger of being bettered by someone else. I'd never thought of it quite like this before though: If God has given them a vision, it is specific to them, therefore he is not asking me to do it. He is asking me to do something else, something that he has put on my heart. In which case, there is no need to fret about what anybody else is doing... because you are not them. They are not you. Only you are you.

This for me sums up something wrong about a lot of the way we behave, especially in our first impressions. Especially when getting to know someone who you want to think well of you. I know I've done it, still do:

"Human conversation is largely an endless attempt to convince others that we are more assertive or clever or generous or successful than they might think if we did not carefully educate them." John Ortberg

To be honest, that's really sad. Since when did we kid ourselves into believing the idea that we need to convince other people that we are in fact better than them, since when did worrying about what they think become such an issue. I know it takes up my mind way too much of the time. I spend too much time thinking what other people are thinking of me, not whether they think badly of me as such, but whether they think worse of me than I think they should, than I think I am.

If God took the time to create me, and how intricate I am, the way my body can remember to breathe every millisecond, the way it can just kinda bounce back from being ill, the fact I have a soul. No, the fact I am a soul. And that's not even getting near the start of it. What I'm trying to muddle through is... if he thinks enough of me to make me, and not just make me into a dragonfly or something (don't get me wrong, they're awesome!) but the point is... there's more reason to me being alive than I have a clue about. And he made me to be me. If he'd wanted another Bee he'd have made two. He didn't-therefore there must be a reason.

I think the thing is, there are far too many reasons for me to ever get my head round.

Meanwhile, I'm going to think less about me, and all things tied up with me, such as what other people think of me-which actually, I think that they must actually think a lot less about me than I think they do! And, they would probably rather I was just me from the start. In which case, it proves my point.

Hmm. Try and get your head round that one...!