Who's who?

I've just got back from a couple of weeks in the stunning Pays Basque, in the South of France. I always find that being away from everything for a time is very good for clearing the head, and bringing clarity to the heart. As a bit of an experiment I decided to leave my mobile phone at home in England, switched off and in a drawer... I've become more and more aware of my dependance upon it and decided to do something about it! I actually didn't miss it that much to begin with, but then, as I had more and more time to think, I began to think of things that needed to be done, people that needed to be contacted, things that needed booking etc... and that was where I learnt something new about myself. When I was little I used to dream about the future when I would be able to trust God with things because my parents would no longer sort everything out. Now, I suddenly realised, I'm in that time... except I missed the part where it started. My parents no longer sort everything out, but that is because I'm capable enough to do it myself. It dawned upon me that all the things that were in my head, and felt like they needed immediate attention just went round and round my head... and I found I was worrying about them!

At the same time my thoughts turned to my attitude to God's word and His character. I realised that in saying that I read His word to get to know HIM better, in fact, I do it to get to know me. Or at least I read it in a very egotisitc sense, to see what it means for me now, and very often merely to see what I can get from it. Nothing wrong with either of these, except when this is the first thing that comes to mind, or when it is the reason for what I do.

The combination of these thoughts brought me to a sudden realisation of the distortion of God's picture that I am looking at. As once said 'I want to want to love Him', and in the same way, I want to want Him. I realised a bit of how much I need a complete body and soul transplant to allow me to think rightly. Before I can realise my littleness, I need to realise God's greatness. His sovereignty. I need to recognise Him as He is, and then I might begin to see who I am. But that is not really necessary. In fact, all I need to know is who He is, and then I think who I am just won't matter as much any more. Reminds me of something from a few years ago...

I Am

I am the star that pierces through the night sky,
I am the wind that whispers in the trees,
I am the sun that warms your back in Winter,
I am the hope, breaking darkness into light.

I am the poppy dancing in the cornfield,
I am the violet, flash of purple in the shade,
I am the lily floating sleepy on the millpond,
I am the hand that lifts you when you fall.

I am the peak standing proud beyond the foothills,
I am the valley lying humble down below,
I am the desert, dry and arid like a wasteland,
I am the strength that goes beyond your strife.

I am the surging tide, crashing on the shingle,
I am the still waters, at peace in the lagoon,
I am the joyful stream rippling down the mountain,
I am your comforter in every trial you face.

I am the shadow that follows you in silence,
I am the footprints left imprinted in the sand,
I am the bitter tears wept in your hour of sorrow,
I am the laughter, bubbling, pealing from within.

I am the mighty warrior,
I am the Prince of Peace,
I am the rose of Sharon,
Your always faithful friend,

I am your loving father,
Humble saviour,
Sovereign Lord,

Who am I...?
I AM.

C. S. Burroughs
17/06/03

I need a Moses experience, too easily I trust in my strength or fear in my weakness, I need to know that He was, and is and is to come. He is called I AM.