One of Those Formative Years

 

Last Sunday, my housemate Ruth and I got up early, made a pot of fresh coffee and found a quiet corner for a bit of a debrief. I'm fascinated by seasons at the moment, in the natural sense of summer and autumn, within the confines of time, in years and hours, and spiritually. I love that at the end of a season, at the end of a year for example, it's a time to stop in your tracks, look back and finally take in the view of the road you've travelling.

It was definitely one of those moments.

So, over steaming mugs of coffee, while the rest of the house lay sleeping and the world outside was still shrouded in morning frost, we spoke. We spoke of the things that have happened, those we expected, those that took us by surprise, the good, the great, and the downright miserable. We spoke of God, and of the future. Of all the things that were yet to take place, and of the new year awaiting us.

'It's been a great year', said I, without really thinking.

The funny thing is, it has been one of the most challenging years I have ever faced. There have been a couple of spectacularly awful moments. The loss of a dream being one of them, and the loss of  a family member another. The first six months, whilst I was training to teach, were the most exhausting and gruelling months of my life, and by the end of them, I found myself burnt out and having to leave the dream behind. The summer was one of rest and recovery, a little fraught with frustration, but ultimately, filled with the stillness I now see that my soul craved. Then came autumn, with a new house, two new housemates and no job in sight. Unemployment began the next season, and continued only as long as I could bear it, by the grace of God.

With the last of the auburn leaves, on the last day of October, a job finally appeared.

'It's been a good year', I said.

And yes, it has. I have come to a place of contentment in my life that I never thought possible. I don't think that I would have reached it without the first ten months of the year.

It was in that time that I learnt how to fight for what I believed was right. I learnt that failure is not in whether you leave the stage at the end of the act, but in how gracefully you bow as you exit into the wings. I learnt that Leicester is more green than you think, if you only walk and look for it. I learnt that the measure of who I am is not found in the comments left on my lesson plan. I learnt that what we believe beyond shadow of a doubt to be 'God's plan for my life' is not without his rewriting. I learnt that no matter how much you realise it while they are alive, the most inspiring people will always speak the loudest as you say goodbye. I learnt that no matter how hard you try, if God is closing a door, there is nothing you can do about it. I learnt what it is like to get a job as a teacher in a school you love. I learnt what it is to get sick and have to turn it down.  I learnt how to graciously respond to others' sometimes stinging opinions of the way I should/ should not act. I learnt that His are the plans that drive us to throw ourselves into him, because there is no other way.

I learnt that if you give God a time limit, he will stick to it. If you remind him of something he has said, he will see it through. I learnt that God's provision is timeless, more on that later. I learnt to always expect the unexpected, because God will never cease to surprise you. I learnt that cleaning floors at 6am is very humbling, but something that must be done when work is scarce, simply because rent is due. I learnt the joy of being bridesmaid to my oldest friend. I learnt how to create excitement in a world of application forms and waiting for responses that never arrive. I learnt how to make home made baileys. I learnt that love is perhaps not as far away as it seems, but still, more often than not, it is not meant for now. I learnt to feel completely inadequate, again and again, in temp jobs of no consequence. I learnt the satisfaction of being able to go home knowing that the job, however small, has been done well. I learnt the joy of finally, in the last working week of the year, being told that your job is being made permanent. I learnt the simple pleasure of coming home.

It's been one of those formative years. What amazes me, is that it won't be the first ten months that will remain with me as I look back on 2009, but the last two. It'll be the avalanche of things I have learnt. It'll be a deep, unwavering love for the God who was with me through it all.

It'll be a fond reminiscing of 'one of those formative years'.

'It's been a good year', I said. And I meant it.