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Spicy cinnamon brownies baking in the oven, the sweet sound of Michael Buble's Christmas album playing in the background, fairy lights and a cosy lounge all to myself. It's at times like this that I realise I really love home.

the hiding place

                             (and no i didn't take this... beautiful though, eh.)


hello world. i like that when i write my blog, i don't really know who i'm writing to, it could be nobody, it could be someone, it could be lots of people. sometimes i have someone in mind when i write, and sometimes i suppose they could be reading it. sometimes they won't. that's what i love about it. it's like throwing thoughts out into some cosmic black hole of thinking, opinions, observations and nonsense. i love the fact that God reads my blog. well, technically, he knows what i'm going to say before i say it, but i love that from my secret hiding place he sees and knows all.

this is something i'm learning a LOT at the moment. the hiding place. i suppose this is where i live at the moment. i can't and won't go into why, because there are some things that the world doesn't need to know, but at the moment i find myself here frequently. hiding. hiding out on my own. mostly out of choice, and sometimes not, but always hoping that one day i'll be found here. i think a lot of it is about waiting at the moment. not necessarily for anything specific, but waiting for 'the thing', whatever that 'thing' is, that will be the key to the season i'm in at the moment. that revelation, moment of understanding, or quite simply the end of now, which will bring this season to a close. i like the fact that what i'm writing doesn't make a lot of sense. and i like the fact that somebody out there reading this will take this and understand this in terms of their own life, their own situation. that is the power of writing i think, that it communicates and crystallises. i often find that i don't fully understand something until i have expressed it myself, or found it expressed by others in words or visually.

there is something amazing about stumbling across something, a word, a picture, an image, a millisecond of time which exactly captures how you feel, in a way that you could not have understood or expressed previously. i think that's what i'm waiting for in a way. i know for one thing though, that the hiding place is not somewhere to be rushed out of prematurely. i'm learning that it is a place where you learn lessons you can't learn out in the world, a place where unspoken feelings and heartache find peace in solitude. it is a good place for a time.

i'll admit though, there is a small, romantic part of me, that wishes for someone to pursue me, break into this weird world i'm in at the moment, and set me free from it all. for someone to arrive on my doorstep, and force their way into the hiding place, to see past the signs of 'stay away, i like it here' to understand that beneath all of that, there is a greater, deeper truth that is yet to be expressed. to break in and just 'be' there with me, and understand. maybe one day. until then, or until i find my own way out, i shall remain here, and learn the secret treasures of the hiding place.

one of the greatest gifts you can give in this world, i honestly believe, is to understand. there is nothing i love more than to feel like my heart is understood. i don't think i'm the only one to feel this way. i think that is an inbuilt desire that the maker of this heart placed in it from its birth. the longing to be understood, compatible only with the one who is able to truly understand. the one who does break in, the one who is there, is hiding, in that secret hiding place, and the one who has the key and the egg timer which will one day bring freedom from this place.

until then, i'll keep waiting. keep hiding. come and find me, if you will.