Lost For The First Time

Today, I had my introduction to Lost. Three episodes in and I'm hooked! If not for the gripping nature of the plot, the stunning scenery and the humour, it's for the characterisation. Just amazing. I mean, I've not exactly got very far yet, but already I'm engaged with several of the key characters. Kate, the fugitive, her guarded eyes and troubled posture. Jack, well, just amazing. What strength he has shown already, stepping up immediately as the island protector, but yet, he is one of the characters we know least about. Saiid, brusque but kind hearted. The Korean couple struggling to comprehend one another. I could go on... I'm fascinated to see how it all develops (if you've seen it, don't tell me...) and most of all to watch the character development. It's clever the way music is used as well, there is very little apart to add to the tension, except when Hurley pops on his headphones. Suddenly distance is created, and you're allowed to reflect for the first time on what has taken place, and you begin to see the mending and building of relationships across the rubble.

I'm sure I could be pretty wrong on most of this, but that's the joy of watching a story play out. You just never quite know... I like that.

I also enjoyed Jack's little anecdote about his medical career, and the fear. Telling of an operation which went wrong, with potentially fatal consequences, Jack describes 'the fear' and says that he gave it five seconds to enter, do its thing, but five seconds only. Later, you see Kate remember and utilise this in the jungle. Watching them both, I was encouraged. We all get scared, but the fact is, fear is never in control. I suppose there is always that moment of choice. Will I let it get the better of me, or not. If Jack had let it consume him, he would never have got to the point of being the doctor able to save so many in the crisis on the island. But I'll bet you anything that in that operating theatre, he never dreamt how that moment of courage would change the course of his, and many people's lives. Probably before that moment, and in it. I'll be interested to see some more of the philosophical depth of the series too, as I can tell there will be more.

Now, song of today:
http://www.we7.com/#/song/Hezekiah-Walker--LFC/Hold-Out

Pink Grapefruits and Friends

So, three days into my little exercise of writing each day, and oddly enough, the first post. The first, written under the apple tree in our garden at home, is saved on my Mum's laptop, and I'm awaiting its arrival by email. The second, well, it is still in my head. However, today, I have something else on my mind so I'm writing about that. The rest will follow retrospectively.

Today has been a good day. Considering I was dreading it, for reasons I won't disclose here, it was a very good day. I didn't manage to have breakfast (a secondary part of my post Easter challenge - funny how I didn't do anything for Lent this year and am now churning out the challenges as soon as it is over. Mind you, Lent was never supposed to be about that, but anyway) but that is always something I'll find difficult. I just don't feel hungry in the mornings. I think tomorrow I might buy a grapefruit. A pink grapefruit. I didn't like them at all growing up, but after watching so many people devour them over the years, I decided this was a fruit I must master. So, I ate half a pink grapefruit one day. Then the other half the next day. Before long I too became a 'eat-it-with-a-spoon' pink grapefruit devourer. I wonder if one day someone will look at me and wonder whether they should try to like pink grapefruits. Probably not.

Following breakfast came work, which passed quite quickly today, something I was grateful for. The first day back after a long weekend is always more of a challenge! Then after work I met Annie at Nandos. I love Nandos. No matter how often we have been to eat there together, we always choose the exact same thing on the menu (to share, of course!) chicken wings (lemon and herb for Annie), salad, olives, chips and halloumi cheese! Tonight we splashed out on red pepper dip too... yum! We sat in a booth, and we talked. It was incredibly good to just take lots of time to eat, talk, reflect and laugh. It was something we used to do a lot when we were doing our teacher training, after being placed in the same school we'd drive over to Starbucks every day, plan our lessons, drink delicious coffee or Earl Grey tea, eat cake and debrief the days events. The journey there having drained the frustrations already (we used to call it the 'car of honesty' for all the secrets that were disclosed there!!) It felt great to take some time out to do that again.

Then I came home, had a think, and phoned Lucy.  We talked for almost two hours, about life and work, reminiscing about the past and probing the future. It's been too long since I've seen Lucy, but I am incredibly grateful for her friendship over the years, and her unfailing interest in my thoughts and concerns. I love that we're about as crazy as each other, so neither of us has to worry that the other thinks she is mad. However, you'd think, with twenty five years of living in your own heart, mind, soul and body, that you'd understand yourself, wouldn't you? Yet, how is it possible to still be having conversations with friends, and be asked the question, 'but surely you knew you felt that way?' or 'is that news to you?' about various things, or to have it pointed out to you that the thing you're actually concerned about is the one thing you're not voicing. How well we think we know ourselves, but how far we are from the truth. No wonder it takes a lifetime to know another person, when you don't even know yourself... in fact, in some ways, the older I get, the more I surprise myself. Thankfully there are a few amazing people around me who understand me better than I understand myself. Today, I am grateful for friends who have the perception to see in me what I can't see, and the grace to point it out to me so that I can live wisely.

To Annie and Lucy, thank you. I will buy you a grapefruit each. A pink one. If you like them.

Mind Revolution of a Gospel Kind

The second challenge, is to listen to gospel music. There's such power in the proclamation of truth, the possession of promise and the activation of scripture in it. In my battle for the renewal of my mind, I feel this is key. So, from today I'm listening to gospel music, I've prescribed myself an hour a day... So far, so good!

I'm far from defeated yet. It's one of those Aragorn moments, time to pick up the sword again.

Watch this space.

And check this out for my tune of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhTLb8VGQnk

Resurrection Day

We are brought up with this question of ‘what am I going to do with my life?’ and ‘what do I want to be when I grow up?’ Some of us know instantly what it is we would like to do, simple as a heartbeat we know what it is we were made for. Others wrestle with the question for years, throwing ideas around, eventually working it out or giving up because we feel inadequate just making the decision. Then there are those who seize the day, go where the wind takes them, and choose to just take it one step at a time, trusting that at some moment they’ll end up doing what they’re supposed to do. I wonder if sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves with all of this. Perhaps there is not simply one thing we are supposed to do with out lives, maybe in fact there are many… but if that is the case, then why do we have this inbuilt question, and this feeling that ‘I’m not where I’m supposed to be’, this sense that somewhere out there is a place where I fit in, where there is something to be done that requires my personality, character, skill set, and experience.

At the moment I would say it’s a bit of a personal grapple of my own. I’m not where I thought I would be. In many ways I’m not where I wanted to be, and I’m definitely not where I ultimately want to be. Does that mean though that I’m not in the right place doing the right thing? Not necessarily.

For me, everything all comes down to faith. How can it not when my life is centred around my faith in Jesus Christ, and lived in relationship with him. So, for those of you not so inclined, please bear with me as I try to unravel this one. The thing is, people throughout my life have said to me ‘God has a purpose’ and I’ve seen from the Bible (which I believe to be God’s word) that this is true. That God is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8.28). That God has a plan for my life… that many are the plans God has for me, plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29.11) That God orders my steps, that he lights my way, that he leads me by ways I have not known… I could go on and on and give you hundreds of references all screaming out the same thing. That God knows. That God cares. That God has called me for such a time as this (Esther).

So, why is this so difficult?

I suppose that is exactly why it is difficult. It’s that tension between how it is and how it should be, what I know and how it feels. And the tension between the now and the not yet. When I went to Uni, I had this phrase which I’d tell myself when everything felt like it was going a little off track ‘embrace the chaos’. I remember hearing a talk when I was about 15 and the speaker said, ‘embrace the tension’. This afternoon I’ve been thinking about how maybe I need to do exactly this. Embrace the tension between what I wished would happen and what did. Between what I dream of, and what I’m living. Perhaps it is less about discovering what I ‘should’ be doing, and more about embracing what I am doing. Making the most of every tiny opportunity, the gift of every day. This situation won’t last forever, and while sometimes I feel like it might just all engulf me, I know that I have a God who is faithful, who made all the promises above (and many more) and who is ultimately leading me down a path less travelled, to a place yet unknown. However. Perhaps I need to have faith to believe that God doesn’t just have one purpose for my life, but that in my life at all times, there is purpose. 

The last few months I’ve realised the impact of God being outside of time (an ongoing thought). In which case, the purpose he has is constant. The purpose of God in your life is constant, at all times, in all circumstances, he has  a purpose in what is happening to you, and he is going to use it, is using it and has already used it in your future. He’s outside time, remember… so he has already seen and enabled that thing which is the direct result of what is happening to you now. No matter how difficult, impossible, meaningless or even overwhelming it may feel, he is able to use it, and is already ahead of you, using it to open doors in your future. What happens to you today will at some point, guaranteed, be of encouragement to someone else in time to come. It always is. So, that’s one thing.

Whilst I know all of this, I think often for me the greatest challenge is deciding what to do with now… because between now and not yet there is a walking out of the everyday. And whatever the purpose is in my situation, at the moment the reality is that I have had enough, and I am worn out. However. I refuse to be defeated. So, I have been thinking of ways to pass the time, and ways to use this time to grow and develop and the practical ‘how’ of getting through it. Which is precisely why I am writing now. This is one of them.

When I think of what I would like to do with my life, what I dreamt of doing, and what I love to do, there are a few key things which run steadfast throughout. One of these being writing. That’s one thing about my job at the moment – I do get to write quite a bit. The advantage of working in a creative environment, and advertising. However, I don’t take the time like I used to (like this moment right now) to just let my thoughts run over the page. And when was the last time I wrote a story or a poem? It’s been a while. So, from today, I have decided that for the next month (it’s probably worth setting a realistic target seeing as I usually set my goals far too high!) I am going to try and write something every day. Irrespective of genre, length, subject or quality. I think I just need to get back in the habit of writing. If nothing else, I find that it helps to order my thoughts, inspire me and keep my eyes fixed on something bigger. I’ve often found that it is easy to lose a sense of perspective by becoming too fixated on the immediate circumstances. Sometimes it helps me to set myself a challenge, a task, or find a project.

So, for now, in the limbo, this is mine. I'm going to write every day. About something... anything... nothing. We'll just see what happens. As for the rest, in time, I'll get there... so will you. Enough thinking, time to live in the now. 

When Faces Called Flowers Float Out of The Ground

one of e.e.cummings' finest. and oh so beautifully apt. enjoy:'

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it's april(yes,april;my darling)it's spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)

when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it's spring(all our night becomes day)o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)