We are brought up with this question of ‘what am I going to do with my life?’ and ‘what do I want to be when I grow up?’ Some of us know instantly what it is we would like to do, simple as a heartbeat we know what it is we were made for. Others wrestle with the question for years, throwing ideas around, eventually working it out or giving up because we feel inadequate just making the decision. Then there are those who seize the day, go where the wind takes them, and choose to just take it one step at a time, trusting that at some moment they’ll end up doing what they’re supposed to do. I wonder if sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves with all of this. Perhaps there is not simply one thing we are supposed to do with out lives, maybe in fact there are many… but if that is the case, then why do we have this inbuilt question, and this feeling that ‘I’m not where I’m supposed to be’, this sense that somewhere out there is a place where I fit in, where there is something to be done that requires my personality, character, skill set, and experience.
At the moment I would say it’s a bit of a personal grapple of my own. I’m not where I thought I would be. In many ways I’m not where I wanted to be, and I’m definitely not where I ultimately want to be. Does that mean though that I’m not in the right place doing the right thing? Not necessarily.
For me, everything all comes down to faith. How can it not when my life is centred around my faith in Jesus Christ, and lived in relationship with him. So, for those of you not so inclined, please bear with me as I try to unravel this one. The thing is, people throughout my life have said to me ‘God has a purpose’ and I’ve seen from the Bible (which I believe to be God’s word) that this is true. That God is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8.28). That God has a plan for my life… that many are the plans God has for me, plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29.11) That God orders my steps, that he lights my way, that he leads me by ways I have not known… I could go on and on and give you hundreds of references all screaming out the same thing. That God knows. That God cares. That God has called me for such a time as this (Esther).
So, why is this so difficult?
I suppose that is exactly why it is difficult. It’s that tension between how it is and how it should be, what I know and how it feels. And the tension between the now and the not yet. When I went to Uni, I had this phrase which I’d tell myself when everything felt like it was going a little off track ‘embrace the chaos’. I remember hearing a talk when I was about 15 and the speaker said, ‘embrace the tension’. This afternoon I’ve been thinking about how maybe I need to do exactly this. Embrace the tension between what I wished would happen and what did. Between what I dream of, and what I’m living. Perhaps it is less about discovering what I ‘should’ be doing, and more about embracing what I am doing. Making the most of every tiny opportunity, the gift of every day. This situation won’t last forever, and while sometimes I feel like it might just all engulf me, I know that I have a God who is faithful, who made all the promises above (and many more) and who is ultimately leading me down a path less travelled, to a place yet unknown. However. Perhaps I need to have faith to believe that God doesn’t just have one purpose for my life, but that in my life at all times, there is purpose.
The last few months I’ve realised the impact of God being outside of time (an ongoing thought). In which case, the purpose he has is constant. The purpose of God in your life is constant, at all times, in all circumstances, he has a purpose in what is happening to you, and he is going to use it, is using it and has already used it in your future. He’s outside time, remember… so he has already seen and enabled that thing which is the direct result of what is happening to you now. No matter how difficult, impossible, meaningless or even overwhelming it may feel, he is able to use it, and is already ahead of you, using it to open doors in your future. What happens to you today will at some point, guaranteed, be of encouragement to someone else in time to come. It always is. So, that’s one thing.
Whilst I know all of this, I think often for me the greatest challenge is deciding what to do with now… because between now and not yet there is a walking out of the everyday. And whatever the purpose is in my situation, at the moment the reality is that I have had enough, and I am worn out. However. I refuse to be defeated. So, I have been thinking of ways to pass the time, and ways to use this time to grow and develop and the practical ‘how’ of getting through it. Which is precisely why I am writing now. This is one of them.
When I think of what I would like to do with my life, what I dreamt of doing, and what I love to do, there are a few key things which run steadfast throughout. One of these being writing. That’s one thing about my job at the moment – I do get to write quite a bit. The advantage of working in a creative environment, and advertising. However, I don’t take the time like I used to (like this moment right now) to just let my thoughts run over the page. And when was the last time I wrote a story or a poem? It’s been a while. So, from today, I have decided that for the next month (it’s probably worth setting a realistic target seeing as I usually set my goals far too high!) I am going to try and write something every day. Irrespective of genre, length, subject or quality. I think I just need to get back in the habit of writing. If nothing else, I find that it helps to order my thoughts, inspire me and keep my eyes fixed on something bigger. I’ve often found that it is easy to lose a sense of perspective by becoming too fixated on the immediate circumstances. Sometimes it helps me to set myself a challenge, a task, or find a project.
So, for now, in the limbo, this is mine. I'm going to write every day. About something... anything... nothing. We'll just see what happens. As for the rest, in time, I'll get there... so will you. Enough thinking, time to live in the now.
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