I Know...

I know

I know you love me,

But how can I feel it?

I know you’re before me,

But where are your footprints?

I know where the path is,

But how can I walk it?

I don’t know.

You tell me to trust you,

I can’t see you.

You tell me you’ve done it,

I ask you why.

You say ‘I’ll show you’

I know I’m blind.

You say here I am,

I say I’m lost.

You tell me to follow,

I say I can’t.

You say ‘look at me’,

I look to your eyes.

I see you love me.

I see your smile.

Then... I know.

Written 15.10.2003

Just Bee-ing

'Just be'

That was possibly the best piece of advice I was given last year. It came at a time when I was caught in an inner tussle between how I felt, and what I believed I should be feeling. I would spend hours beating myself up for the fact that I was struggling, and the fact that I shouldn't be etc etc. It did not in fact resolve anything, but it just led to more feelings of frustration, and these led to more frustration with the fact that I was frustrated...

I came to learn that we feel. And that's how we were made. We spend so much time fighting our emotions, and our feelings, that we stop being ourselves. By struggling against the endless tide of emotion, we limit the extent to which we can grow from them-or at least we make it a lot harder for ourselves. What I mean by that is, that we are made in the image of God right, and from what we can see of him in the Bible, is that he felt. He feels. He knows what it is to be angry, to grieve, to weep, to laugh, to love. I think one of the most challenging parts in the gospels for me is when Lazrus dies, and 'Jesus wept'.

The Son of God. He wept.

And I spend my time telling myself that I can't feel what I feel, and that I should be more at peace, more this, more that. In fact, maybe those things are true, but sometimes it's ok to just be sad. It's ok to just feel what you feel. 'Just be' Jesus did it. And from what I remember, it's his image I'm made in...

Yet, at the same time, Jesus didn't stay there all day weeping. He knew he was called to something beyond his emotions, to raise Lazarus from the dead. At what point is it right to move on, at what point is it ok to get up and keep walking?

That is something that I have not found the answer to yet. The only conclusion I have come to, is that God is on our side with this one hehe. Yes, he gave us emotions, but he also gives us the means to deal with them. He always provides an outlet, and he never lets us become utterly overwhelmed. And, though we might feel like we're stuck in what we feel, he never leaves our side. He comforts us, and when we're ready, he picks us up, and carries us. He is a God of hope.

I think, what I'm learning... is to just be.

If I just let myself be me, then maybe I'm a bit closer to letting God be God. I can fight where I'm at as much as I like, but ultimately, that won't change the situation.

I don't really know where I'm going with this one, I think it's an ongoing lesson. All a part of the big lesson I seem to be learning at the moment... To be me, and be me with all my heart. The more I thought about that, and how one goes about being oneself-the more I realised that it's about letting go of the reins, and letting my God guide the way. If he takes me through sorrow, then he'll take me to a place where it's ok to grieve. If he takes me through joy, he'll give me times to laugh and express that joy. In Ecclesiastes it says that God makes everything beautiful in it's time:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

It's about his time. Whatever season I'm in, all he's asking me to do, is 'just be'. It's about being me.. being still, and knowing... that HE is God.

Captivated

Following on from my last thoughts… here’s a particular quote that got me:

‘In the spacious love of God, or souls can lie down and rest. This love from him is not something we must struggle for, earn or fear to lose. It is bestowed. He has bestowed it upon us. He has chosen us. And nothing can separate us from his love. Not even we, ourselves. We are made for such a love. Our hearts yearn to be loved intimately, personally, and yes, romantically. We are created to be the object of desire and affection of one who is totally and completely in love with us. And we are.’

‘Captivating’, John and Stasi Eldredge

Love to the Loveless Shown

This line... has been running through my head for a good couple of months, first heard it on Coldplay's 'Message' and it blew me away. It also appears to have featured in a hymn too (thanks Dan!) which is even more amazing. I love it when things that aren't overtly about God just glorify him so much.

I've not written on here in a looooong while, mainly because my life has been very busy, and I've been so sleepy that late night blog sessions just haven't happened. However, I thought I'd just have a wee scribble, and share a smidge of the revelations I have had lately. Triggered by something I read, I've been trying to get my head around Jesus being 'lover of my soul' and all that that embodies. Since then I've really been made aware of how much of what God does comes from his heart acheing to love us, and for us to love him. And love him intimately. The book I was reading mentioned God's vulnerability.... which seemed a new concept to me.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Nobody wants to be loved because 'they have to' and this is also true of God, he didn't make us to be puppets. In order for us to have genuine love for him, he had to give us the choice, and in that-risking us rejecting his love. In giving us this freedom, he is allowing us to say no to his love, to him, eternally. Of course, the flip side of this is immense, if we choose to accept his love!

And that flip side is what is challenging me at the moment. I don't want to be satisfied with 'God loves me'... I want to know, and experience what that actually means in reality.

I want to know more of the intimacy I can have with my Maker, with the lover of my soul.

Questions Unanswered

This single line on a blank page made up a magazine advert for Channel Five. I'm not sure how this is in fact relevant to Channel Five, however... that perhaps is missing the point.

The thought that immediately came to mind was how that is so true in particular for Christians, being true to Jesus does not ever come cheap. I have seen the truth of this in the last year so clearly, first hand. It's tough.

Choosing Christ is NOT a cop out. Choosing Christ is life or death. Choosing Christ or choosing death. Choosing Christ when it might even mean death. There is no middle ground. And that is not only in making a commitment to follow Christ. It's a decision. It's the cross we take up daily. It's a choice. Every single day.

It's a sobering thought.

To watch someone say yes to God, not knowing what the outcome might be, and then see them reach the conclusion-without the answer they were seeking, without the happy ending. Our God is BIG. And I'm beginning to learn that to not have the answers is ok. To not know why, that's ok.

It's a paradox. Between the God you know to be so constant, so loving, so faithful. And the world, the situations without solutions, the questions without answers. Yet, it's ok to stand in the middle of the paradox, and not know how or why or who or when... but simply to know that He is there. He is with you. It's the hardest thing I've had to learn. And that's because it comes through pain. It comes through being utterly vulnerable. It's dangerous. If He is there though, it's also safe. It's the safest place to be.

Sounding confusing? Well, I was thinking about it, and came to the conclusion that contrary to my thoughts, feeling and in fact even my will-the most dangerous place to be is when I am in control. When it's me who decides. Because I can guarantee that every single time, if I leave God out of it, I will get it wrong. If not the actual decision, then the timing. Why is it so hard to trust God when we know that He is the only one who has the answers?

I don't think that doubting is wrong. I think it gives us space to find out what we believe, and why we believe it. If we're giving our lives to this cause-we need to have conviction. We need to know why we are doing it. But what we don't need to know, is why God is doing it.

We are never promised that we will have the answers. All God promised Moses when sending him to speak to Pharoah was that He would be with him. All God promises is that He will be there. That He will never leave.
There is always a bigger picture, there is always a bigger plan, and there is always a greater good.

And He is right at the centre of it all.

Amateur Exploring

I love how God grows things in us... how you can't see it happening at the time, but how you suddenly look back and realise that something that wasn't there before-now is. Or at least is beginning to find a place there. In chatting to a wise woman last night ;) I remembered an analogy written by a wise man.

Imagine an ant on a sheet of glass, like a transparent glass tile. The tile is on a table, and there is a long straight line on the table. The ant runs around madly, unaware of the direction the line is going in, and blind to the fact that there is even a line. Then imagine someone taking hold of the glass, and moving it-so that whichever way the ant runs-it is always walking along the line. I am like the ant, and God is like the hands holding the glass on which I walk, bringing every mistake I make in line with his perfect will for my life.

If we ask Him to, He will help us to become accustomed to His voice, to His hand in our lives, so that we begin to realise that there is in fact a line. And that line is good-because it is the way which He ordained for us to walk. In choosing His life over mine, I chose to walk that line, whererever it takes me. Yet, fallible as always, I frequently, and constantly run in the opposite direction, and round in circles and back to the line, only to place on foot in front of the other before running off again. He however, has a very steady hand, and in His mercy is always bringing me back again. Towards Him, by His grace.

Maybe one day I'll learn that God is a good place to start.

'And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know it for the first time' T. S. Eliot

Dazed

Just a wee scribble...

Dazed

Who me?

Yes, you.

You what!? I'm sorry, you've made a mistake,

I'm not who you think, I live as a fake.

Don't worry I know that,

I made you inside and out,

Trust in Me,

Leave no room for doubt.

I chose you, designed you,

To you life I gave,

You were made for a purpose,

That you can't erase.

I want you so much,

I give you myself,

My heart, My Son.

You don't need anything else.

I can't make you choose me,

I can't buy your love,

I won't intervene by divine power above,

My child I chose you,

Now listen to me.

It's not if I want you...

But will you choose Me?

Written 20/11/2003

Topsy Turvy

Well now.

I've been thinking about what I said about 'Mush' and I've come to the conclusion that I may have been mistaken. Or that at least I've discovered that there's more to it than I thought. Needs more thinking though before I'm able to come up with something vaguely coherent.

Hmm, to be continued.

The thought came to me as I was on my way to Southampton last weekend, I was thinking about what I'd written, and about God, and I realised that I only wrote half the story. I don't ever want to bring love down to a kind of feeble affection, because it is in fact one of the strongest forces in the universe. And that is because God is love.

I was dwelling on that line 'God is love' and thinking yeah, that's awesome... but then GOD is LOVE, He IS love. I started thinking about all that God is, and how much more I have to learn of him, and that blew me away. If God is love, then everything he embodies is love. And that is powerful. Not just powerful, it's mind blowing, life changing, and soul converting. The love of God turns you topsy turvy til you realise that was the way you were meant to be.

The biggest act of love ever shown was Jesus, in coming down to become one of us. I've been trying to put that into words, and frankly, my words aren't big enough. What I was really trying to say though is that I don't think I'm even beginning to get my head around what love is, and how I can ever love anything like how Jesus did. It's pretty non conclusive tonight, but I guess that's cos I've still got a lot to learn.

Mush...?

I have been told that I am mushy.

I have also been called a mushball, soppy... sentimental, you name it. Probably true hehe, BUT I have a few thoughts on the matter. At which point does mushy become a bad thing!?

I admit that it's in my nature to get 'mushy' about stuff. I find life very moving at times, frequently, well daily if I'm honest. Maybe it's that I'm overly sentimental? Or could it be that I have begun to realise the value of what is around me...?

These song lyrics always stuck in my head 'you never know what you got til it's gone'. I think that sometimes that's true, but not always. In the last couple of years I think I've begun to see how blessed I really am. I mean I love my family to peices, my parents are brilliant, I have the two most beautiful sisters in the whole world, legendary extended family around the globe, my friends are awesome, most of the time I'm genuinely really happy, I live in a beautiful little town, I can drive, I'm at Uni, doing the course I've always wanted to do, I get to travel, I can dream and have the hope, and the possibility of seeing my dreams becoming reality. I have been blessed with so much, and hey right now I'm just telling it how it is. Is that mush?

If I were to tell you how much you mean to me, is that mush? If I were to tell someone the times when they have made life worth living for me, is that mush? If I were to tell someone I loved them, would that be mush?

How about if I were to tell you of my love for my saviour, would that be mush? If I were to write of his many gifts to me, would that be mush? If I were to speak to you of all the things he has done in my life, would that be mush?

Now. What if Almighty God were to tell you how much he loves you? Or if he told you why he made you, of all the many thoughts going through his eternal mind as he designed you? What if his son, your saviour told you why he went through all the agony and torture of Calvary? You wouldn't call that mush.

I was thinking...

If we are made in the image of God, and we have a heart, so must he. If we can even feel love, how much more can he. You and I have been made with an incredibly acute sense of feeling, finely tuned emotions, and the capacity to love. He put it in us, and I imagine that anything we have, is there to be used, to be enjoyed. Well, my thoughts are-I want to use my heart to the greatest capacity it has, in every direction. The greatest command we have from Him is to love. To love him, and to love others. That seems the biggest excuse in the world to be extreme about it!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean be false with it. No way. I just mean be genuine. If you feel it, say it. If someone means something, tell them. If God has blessed you, thank him. There are more facets to love than we understand. If we began to... I think the world would notice.

I was walking home one day in autumn, and it had been particularly windy so the leaves were everywhere. As I walked past one driveway I saw a man raking up the leaves. Fairly average-yeah, until I saw his three year old son toddling behind him with a plastic rake... cos Dad was doing it, he wanted to. I love that image.

God is love.

The biggest compliment we can make him, is for us to emulate him.

Head Jam

Going back to what I wrote about the bird... and this year.

Tonight I heard a man say that the reason God doesn't show you his plan-is because if he did we would run the other way. Too true. If I had know what would happen last year at the start of the year I would have dreaded every day, for fear of what I knew would at some point be happening. In the same way, if I knew today what would happen in a month's time-I'm sure I'd do something to make it happen sooner (if it was a happy thing) or do everything in my power to avoid it (if it was bad). God knew this. So he saved me the worrying, and lets me know when I need to know-which is usually right about when the event occurs.

He said something else which struck me.

That God has a vision for each of us. That he has something specifically for (insert name here...) to do, that nobody else can do. And that, if we can see and take hold of the vision which God has for our lives, then that removes all jealousy, and bitterness, and feeling threatened etc, the feelings we all get when we feel we're in danger of being bettered by someone else. I'd never thought of it quite like this before though: If God has given them a vision, it is specific to them, therefore he is not asking me to do it. He is asking me to do something else, something that he has put on my heart. In which case, there is no need to fret about what anybody else is doing... because you are not them. They are not you. Only you are you.

This for me sums up something wrong about a lot of the way we behave, especially in our first impressions. Especially when getting to know someone who you want to think well of you. I know I've done it, still do:

"Human conversation is largely an endless attempt to convince others that we are more assertive or clever or generous or successful than they might think if we did not carefully educate them." John Ortberg

To be honest, that's really sad. Since when did we kid ourselves into believing the idea that we need to convince other people that we are in fact better than them, since when did worrying about what they think become such an issue. I know it takes up my mind way too much of the time. I spend too much time thinking what other people are thinking of me, not whether they think badly of me as such, but whether they think worse of me than I think they should, than I think I am.

If God took the time to create me, and how intricate I am, the way my body can remember to breathe every millisecond, the way it can just kinda bounce back from being ill, the fact I have a soul. No, the fact I am a soul. And that's not even getting near the start of it. What I'm trying to muddle through is... if he thinks enough of me to make me, and not just make me into a dragonfly or something (don't get me wrong, they're awesome!) but the point is... there's more reason to me being alive than I have a clue about. And he made me to be me. If he'd wanted another Bee he'd have made two. He didn't-therefore there must be a reason.

I think the thing is, there are far too many reasons for me to ever get my head round.

Meanwhile, I'm going to think less about me, and all things tied up with me, such as what other people think of me-which actually, I think that they must actually think a lot less about me than I think they do! And, they would probably rather I was just me from the start. In which case, it proves my point.

Hmm. Try and get your head round that one...!

Bittersweet

Just a wee scribble I wrote a couple of years ago... and I'm still learning from it. Perhaps I'm just beginning to get an idea of how much I underestimate how much He understands.

Bittersweet

Huddled, motionless,

Tied in a knot,

Left behind,

Like someone you forgot.

Kneeling, broken,

Desperate and alone,

Lost, incomplete,

Nowhere to call home.

Looking out of the window,

Where did you go?

When did you leave?

How didn’t I know?

The silence enfolding me,

Drowning me out.

My thoughts like enemies,

Like thirst in a drought.

Yet something within me,

Cries out from the deep,

I know you’re with me,

I hear you weep.

The plead of the beggar,

The cry of the lame,

The gnaw of the hungry,

The orphan in pain.

The forsaken widow,

The sigh of the dead,

The scream of the infant,

Born to be fed.

No glorious sunset,

Or cool soothing rain,

Nor a mothers embrace,

Can soften the pain,

For you are the author,

Only you will remain.

Distance no problem,

Time never ends,

Before I am gone,

You call me back again.

You give dreams to the hopeless,

Strength to the weak,

Undying love is the language you speak.

Christine Burroughs (20/11/03)

On Eagle's Wings...

Today I was on the Isle of Wight. We went to see the Needles... and whilst walking back, something in the sky caught my eye. A bird. It was above the cliffs, and it was just hovering. Bearing in mind it was incredibly windy along the coastal path where we were, it seemed a little odd to see something so usually swift of flight, suddenly stationary. Many a time I've seen such a thing before... but today it was different.

Sounding cryptic? I was just watching out of interest to see at which point the bird would give in, or fly away. I watched and waited. The bird was flying into the wind, and at first glance, this seemed to be inhibiting it's flight. The longer I observed, the more I noticed that it seemed to be surveying the land below, and it was managing to stay in the same spot, effortlessly. Why effortlessly? I realised that although the bird was flying into the wind, it wasn't getting frustrated. Now, that might sound amusing, and not having ever been a bird, I wouldn't know from experience... but from what I have experienced, I know that when I face somewhat 'adverse weather conditions' in my life, in other words, when life doesn't go my way-I get frustrated. Not necessarily because it is particularly hard, but probably more because I, with my very human mind, can't understand it, and can't control it.

This seems to be a pattern amongst us, as humans, that we try to control what we can't understand. It's the same with fear I guess. Suppose you were afraid of the dark, what would you do to eliminate that fear? Turn on a light. And if you were afraid of heights? You wouldn't stand on the edge of a cliff. This is where we stumble. Or at least I know I do. When faced with something I can't control, I panic.

Anyway, back to the bird. Without warning, it swooped away, and down to the ground. It had been watching something on the ground, and when it was the right time, it flew away. I was thinking about this, and I came to the realisation that it's a bit like us. When hard things come across our paths, they often stop us from pressing onwards, they confuse us, and hold us back. We often get frustrated, because we have got this mindset that we have got to be somewhere doing something, and all we can think of... is that fact that we can't get there and do it.

As I was walking back along the cliff, I thought about that bird. He didnt' seem to be bothered by the wind in his face, it's likely that if he had tried to fly against it, it would only have got exhausted. Instead, he just waited. I thought that this is a bit like what God does with us through hard circumstances. We may fight them, we may not understand them, and we definitely don't like them, but still we face them. Maybe... just maybe, he allows them, so that we stop. So that we realise our frailty, our humanity, and our misdirection. So that we can have time to think, and refocus. So that He can show us his sovereignty. Ultimately, so that we learnt to trust... that his ways are higher than our ways.

It reminded me of something God says in the Bible. It comes after an awesome passage about God, and his sovereignty. It says:

‘They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint’

Isaiah 40.31

Soaring on wings like eagles always sounded like such an awesome thing. Today, I realised that the soaring bit comes after a time of facing the wind, and waiting. I guess at the moment, I’m in the waiting bit.

But then again, so is He.