Brink

on the edge
a glimpse almost seen
will then be lost in the now of the inbetween

infinity tempts
simplicity mocks
all the playing with fire could not prepare
what price of knowing the cost

born to be free
dying to live
that touch of invincible
estranged on the brink

this dream of freefalling falling falling
this dream of freefalling
the last burning dream of the lost

C. S. Burroughs

Echoes

Heart keeps beating
Love gets lost
Hope still breathing
Tears unstopped
Peace is screaming
Joy won't speak
Hope still breathing
Faith is weak
Mind over matter
Can't understand
Hope still breathing
Take my hand.

C. S. Burroughs

But...

So its really easy to be misunderstood...


The way that one heart beats is so different to another. Why should we expect to be understood? Why the craving to be known so completely, why the yearning to be at one with another, and to have nothing to explain. And why is it that the times you try and rebuild those burnt out bridges they crumble beneath your approaching footsteps?

I don't know. And I wish I could say that I didn't care, but...

One in a million

Where shall the world be found?

Where shall the word resound?

Not here, there is not enough silence.

T. S. Eliot.

Loneliness and clatter are not our only alternatives. We can cultivate an inner solitude and silence that sets us free from loneliness and fear. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfilment... Solitude is more a state of mind and heart than it is a place. If we process inward solitude we do not fear being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear being with others, for they do not control us. In the midst of noise and confusion we are settled in a deep inner silence. Whether alone or amongst people, we always carry with us a portable sanctuary of the heart... Simply to refrain from talking without a heart listening to God, is not silence.

Richard Foster

To be one, in a million of other people. Amidst the strivings and the stress, to be at peace. To listen to God's soundtrack to life over the chaotic booming of humdrum. People talk about 'tuning in' to God. I think they're right. It's a choice. To listen to yourself, to listen to others, or to let him speak. To hear his still small voice in the eye of the storm. To be found. That is my desire.

Awakening

I am waking up. Not in the conscious, rising from the depths of sleep sense, but more like an awakening of myself. The last few years have brought with them so many turbulent times, that I have become a bundle of questions, doubts and unanswered questions. In the slow, painful quest for answers, I seem to have lost a sense of peace about God's role in it all. The God I used to trust implicitly suddenly changed, and became unpredictable. Or so I thought. The promises He had made were lost in the breaking. And my identity lost with it.

Until recently.

It's almost like the slow and steady dawn, rising from starless skies, and rays of light exploding across the horizon. I feel like today, for the first time, I saw the sun. A tiny inkling of the excitement faith used to be came to me, and captured my gaze. A small shimmer of light in the dim bleakness of the ordinary. In the light of the Cross of Calvary my doubts are laid bare. In the face of Jesus are all the answers I ever searched for, and more. All of a sudden a glimmer of hope breaks through-life can be what I dreamt it would be.

Love Came Down

Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good; Love alone lightens every burden, and makes the rough places smooth. It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders every bitterness sweet and acceptable. The love of Jesus is noble, and inspires us to do great deeds, it moves us always to desire perfection. Love aspires to high things, and is held back by nothing base. Love longs to be free, a stranger to every worldly desire, lest its inner vision become dimmed, and lest worldly self-interest hinder it or ill-fortune cast it down. Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing stronger, nothing higher, nothing wider, nothing more pleasant, nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth; for love is born of God and can rest only in God, above all created things.


Love flies, runs and leaps for joy; it is free and unrestrained. Love gives all for all, resting in One who is highest above all things, from whom every good flows and proceeds. Love does not regard the gifts but turns to the giver of all good gifts. Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds. Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil, attempts things beyond its strength; love sees nothing as impossible for it feels able to achieve all things. Love therefore does great things; it is strange and effective; while he who lacks love faints and fails.


Love is watchful, and while resting never sleeps; weary, it is never exhausted; imprisoned; it is never in bonds; alarmed, it is never afraid; like a living flame and a burning torch, it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle... Love is swift, pure, tender, joyful, and pleasant. Love is strong, patient, faithful, prudent, long-suffering, vigorous, and never self seeking. For when a man is self-seeking he abandons love. Love is watchful, humble, and upright. Love is not fickle and sentimental, nor is it intent on vanities. It is sober, pure, steadfast, quiet, and guarded in all the senses. Love is submissive and obedient to superiors, mean and contemptible in its own sight, devoted and thankful to God, trusting and hoping in Him even when not enjoying His sweetness; for none can live in love without suffering.

Thomas a Kempis

The Road Not Taken

I shall be telling this with a sigh,

Somewhere ages and ages hence,
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The final stanza of Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken' says it all.

At a time of so many choices, decisions and roads diverging off from one another, it's easy to feel bewildered at the prospect of having to decide ultimately which road to follow. Does your decision for the next year affect the rest of your life, will it entail detours which take you away from your goal, do you even have a goal? These are the questions that plague the mind. Every time you feel able to finally decide on something concrete, a sudden doubt creeps in... and before you know it you're off again for another week of wondering what to do with the time you've been given. How can you possibly know what the future will hold from now?

I wonder if Robert Frost had it right. From this perspective we can't know where our choices will lead us, but in a few decades time we will be recounting our lives, and the decisions we make now will determine what stories we will have to tell, and which stories we will wish we could have told. What about all those things you've dreamt of doing? What would happen if you actually did them? What would happen if you didn't... I suppose the paradox is that whilst we long to know our future, we can't. And as often said, even if we did it probably wouldn't give us peace. We can never know if the road we take will lead to where we ultimately want to go. But then, maybe it will take us somewhere even better.

I suppose that's why Frost talks about taking the 'road less travelled', because that is the greater risk. Whether the allusion was merely to a walk through a wood, or whether it has deeper philosophical implications for living, I'm not sure. But one thing I do know, is that the road less travelled is probably the one to take. Take the road that arouses your curiosity, awakens your dreams, and stretches your faith. It will probably be daunting, it might lead through some valleys, and there may be ogres to fight... but... just maybe, it will be worth it. It might make you who you're meant to be.

Build This House

'Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain,
Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stays awake in vain'

Psalm 127:1-2

I read this Psalm recently, and realised that I've been learning the meaning of it more and more in the last few years. And, I think, I could probably say that's one of my biggest prayers for the next year-nicely defined in the chorus of the song 'Build this House' by Lou and Nathan Fellingham:

All I have and all I am is Yours

There’s nothing that I have on earth that doesn’t come from You

I lay aside my pride and worldly worth

To serve You is the greatest thing that I could ever do.

For unless You build this house

I am building it in vain

Unless the work is Yours

There is nothing to be gained

I want something that will stand

When Your Holy fire comes

Something that will last

And to hear You say “Well done”

Giving Glory to You Lord

Glory to You Lord

So easy to desire what others have

Instead of seeing all the gifts that You have given me

So help me fan the flame which You began

And burn in me a love for You that all will clearly see

Lou Fellingham, Nathan Fellingham & busbee

Copyright © 2005

Astounded!

This is really a testimony to our Saviour's grace. I have seen more answered prayers this week than I have done in the last month! The thing I've realised though, is that does not signify God has changed in any way, because He does not ever change (Malachi 3:6). It's not that God has got more faithful in the last week, or suddenly decided to answer my prayers. I know all too well that the reason is in fact that I am praying more. It's amazing how God responds to commitment, and even sacrifice on our part, and overwhelmingly.

This morning I was reading in 1 Kings about Soloman's dedication of the Temple, and He prayed an incredible prayer (see 1 Kings 8:22-61) and one of the things that really struck me about His prayer is that He asked God for something, and then asked God to hear his prayer, for example:

'when they sin against you - for there is no-one who does not sin - and you become angry with them and give them over to the enemy, who takes them captive to his own land, far away or near; and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive and repent and plead with you in the land of their conquerors and say 'we have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly' and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you towards the land you gave their fathers, towards the city you have chosen and the temple I have built for your Name; then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause' 1 Kings 8:46-49

Soloman here describes a very specific situation (one of many if you look at the whole passage) and then goes into great detail about the 'ifs' of the situation, and then goes on to ask God to hear their prayer. The Bible describes a passionate Father who loves to satisfy His children, who longs to answer our prayers. Piper uses the illustration of prayer as God's favourite food, and the satisfaction of his hunger is in answering our prayers.

'He has no deficiency in himself that he needs to fill up, so he gets his satisfaction by magnifying the glory of his riches by filling up the deficiencies of people who pray... so if we want to feed him with the only kind of joy he is capable of, we hold up the empty cup of prayer and let him show the riches of his glory by filling it. Thus the intensity of God's delight in his glory is the measure of his pleasure in the prayers of his people' John Piper, The Pleasures of God

I like to think of prayer with the example of two close friends. It's easy to see sometimes if a friend is struggling, but one of the most frustrating things is when you have no permission to help them, because they themselves haven't shared the problem with you. I think it's sometimes a lot like that with Jesus. He knows my weakness, He knows my struggles, and He knows my needs. Of course, He often provides for me without me asking, by His grace. Though, I often wonder how much more He could have done if I had asked for His help. Our God is a jealous god, in that He desires to have us with hearts undivided. He doesn't want my half-hearted part time affection. He wants my heart, wounds, fears, hopes and dreams. As we choose to seek His face, and to share our lives with Him, to spend time in His presence, to speak with Him of our struggles and our failings, He will be faithful. He will hear our fumbling prayers, and He will answer.

'If my people who are called by my name humble themselves and pray... I will hear from heaven' 2 Chronicles 7:14

It may not be that we expect or like the answer He gives. Our God is Sovereign, His ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). Yet, He is good. He is faithful to us, faithful to His promises. Even in our faithlessness, He will be faithful.

Children of the Cross

God is raising up an army, made of those who are still young,
God is lifting up their voices, through the weak He'll shame the strong
It's been prophesied they will prophesy,
God's salvation they will show,
For the promise is to the children,
To our daughters and sons

Jim Bailey

Inspiring

'It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly... who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of the high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known victory nor defeat.'

Teddy Roosevelt

Who's who?

I've just got back from a couple of weeks in the stunning Pays Basque, in the South of France. I always find that being away from everything for a time is very good for clearing the head, and bringing clarity to the heart. As a bit of an experiment I decided to leave my mobile phone at home in England, switched off and in a drawer... I've become more and more aware of my dependance upon it and decided to do something about it! I actually didn't miss it that much to begin with, but then, as I had more and more time to think, I began to think of things that needed to be done, people that needed to be contacted, things that needed booking etc... and that was where I learnt something new about myself. When I was little I used to dream about the future when I would be able to trust God with things because my parents would no longer sort everything out. Now, I suddenly realised, I'm in that time... except I missed the part where it started. My parents no longer sort everything out, but that is because I'm capable enough to do it myself. It dawned upon me that all the things that were in my head, and felt like they needed immediate attention just went round and round my head... and I found I was worrying about them!

At the same time my thoughts turned to my attitude to God's word and His character. I realised that in saying that I read His word to get to know HIM better, in fact, I do it to get to know me. Or at least I read it in a very egotisitc sense, to see what it means for me now, and very often merely to see what I can get from it. Nothing wrong with either of these, except when this is the first thing that comes to mind, or when it is the reason for what I do.

The combination of these thoughts brought me to a sudden realisation of the distortion of God's picture that I am looking at. As once said 'I want to want to love Him', and in the same way, I want to want Him. I realised a bit of how much I need a complete body and soul transplant to allow me to think rightly. Before I can realise my littleness, I need to realise God's greatness. His sovereignty. I need to recognise Him as He is, and then I might begin to see who I am. But that is not really necessary. In fact, all I need to know is who He is, and then I think who I am just won't matter as much any more. Reminds me of something from a few years ago...

I Am

I am the star that pierces through the night sky,
I am the wind that whispers in the trees,
I am the sun that warms your back in Winter,
I am the hope, breaking darkness into light.

I am the poppy dancing in the cornfield,
I am the violet, flash of purple in the shade,
I am the lily floating sleepy on the millpond,
I am the hand that lifts you when you fall.

I am the peak standing proud beyond the foothills,
I am the valley lying humble down below,
I am the desert, dry and arid like a wasteland,
I am the strength that goes beyond your strife.

I am the surging tide, crashing on the shingle,
I am the still waters, at peace in the lagoon,
I am the joyful stream rippling down the mountain,
I am your comforter in every trial you face.

I am the shadow that follows you in silence,
I am the footprints left imprinted in the sand,
I am the bitter tears wept in your hour of sorrow,
I am the laughter, bubbling, pealing from within.

I am the mighty warrior,
I am the Prince of Peace,
I am the rose of Sharon,
Your always faithful friend,

I am your loving father,
Humble saviour,
Sovereign Lord,

Who am I...?
I AM.

C. S. Burroughs
17/06/03

I need a Moses experience, too easily I trust in my strength or fear in my weakness, I need to know that He was, and is and is to come. He is called I AM.

'Diverse Excellencies'

'The lion-like Lamb calls us to take heart from his absolute authority over all reality. And He reminds us that, in all that authority, he will be with us to the end of the age. This is what we long for-a champion, an invincible leader. We mere mortals are not simple either. We are pitiful yet we have mighty passions. We are weak, yet we dream of doing wonders. We are transient, but eternity is written on our hearts. The glory of Christ shines all the brighter because the conjunction of his diverse excellencies corresponds perfectly to our complexity.'

John Piper

One for the Memoirs

I hve just had one of the most stunning evenings of my life... One of those ones that, as I expressed to Steph earlier, I want to frame, and be able to re-live it again and again. It's funny how the best moments are often born of spontanaeity, and often come on the most ordinary of days. When I began to write this, I wrote a long screed about all the little happenings of the evening, but now I've decided I think some things are best kept in the memory. So, I'll keep it short. It's just amazed me really how good God is, and I think He is showing me how much more He longs to be even better to us, if we'll let Him. I feel almost speechless after tonight, and really-in anyone else's eyes, it was nothing special, but for me it was incredible, because it was almost tailor made, right down to the little things. It's funny how a field of corn can be so amazing when you're not expecting it. Especially if there are poppies! Hehe. I'll not give anything more away, because I'm still savouring it. It's just made me realise that I want everything God has to give me, with all the details. And it makes me want to offer Him all I can offer, because there just isn't anything I can do, or say that is big enough to express His majesty. I love that little happenings can make such big thoughts.

The Source of All Personalities

"The more we get what we now call 'ourselves' out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become. There is so much of Him that millions and millions of 'little Christs', all different, will still be too few to express Him fully. He made them all. He invented them-as an author invents characters in a novel-all the different men that you and I were intended to be. In that sense our real selves are all waiting for us in Him. It is no good trying to 'be myself' without Him. The more I resist Him and try to live on my own, the more I become dominated by my own heredity and upbringing and surroundings and natural desires. In fact what I so proudly call 'Myself' becomes merely the meeting place for trains of events which I never started and which I cannot stop. What I call 'My wishes' become merely the the desires thrown up by my physical organism or plumped into me by other men's thoughts or even suggested to me by devils... Most of what I call 'Me' can be very easily explained. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His Personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own... There are no real personalities anywhere else. Until you have given up your self to Him you will not have a real self. Sameness is to be found among the most 'natural' men, not among those who surrender to Christ. How monotonously alike the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the Saints."

C.S.Lewis

A favourite Lewisism of mine, to be found in the 'Beyond Personality' essays at the end of 'Mere Christianity' :) I love it! It is the epitomy of my thoughts of late. To immerse myself in the beauty of His character is to find my definition.

The Mystery of the Disappearing Grannies...

I was surprised this morning to hear my Dad calling up the stairs to ask me whether Granny (my mum's mum, who we have lived with for the last seven years) was in, and if so, where was she. He continued to explain to me that he had come back from doing a taxi job, to find Maryelle's car parked right across the pavement between the road and our driveway, and her nowhere near it. My sister, my Dad and I looked all around the house, garden... everywhere. We couldn't find Granny, or Maryelle anywhere. It was really bizarre, something out of 'Left Behind'. Maryelle's car was positioned exactly as if she had been halfway through pulling into our drive before being abducted, and Granny's shopping bags were in her living room, full of oranges, sugar and ginger beer... ready for an afternoon of marmalade making hehe. After about fifteen minutes, we were getting quite concerned about the abduction of these two Grannies. Bearing in mind my Granny is going on eighty seven, and getting a bit scatty in her old age, it was a bit worrying! I mean, grannies don't usually just disappear into thin air. We rang Maryelle's house, no reply. They were nowhere to be found!

Finally, something happened. An ambulance appeared outside our house. Uh oh! We found out that one of our elderly neighbours had been in difficulty, her cleaner raising the alarm and my Granny and her friend coming to their assistance. The lady concerned, who is a family friend, had been taken to hospital, but it doesn't seem to be too serious thankfully. All in all, an eventful morning. And it would seem, my Granny is a superhero!

* * *

P.S. I would actually just like to say, I hope that one day I am like my Granny. She is an amazing Godly woman, an absolute prayer warrior and intercessor, as is her friend Maryelle. I hope that I am as faithful to Christ in my lifetime as they have been in theirs. They're awesome!

A Glimpse of Something Greater

'Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of-something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it-tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest-if there ever came an echo that did not died away but swelled into the sound itself-you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, 'Here at last is the thing I was made for'. We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeaseable want, the thing we desired before we met out wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.'

C.S.Lewis

Bit of Lewis wisdom there. Stunning. I look forward to the day when I finally reach the destination, when I awake from the dream to face reality. The more I think about it, the more I realise, the best things of this life are merely a glimpse of something greater...

Meanderings...

It’s been ages since I’ve had time to think… time to muse, ponder, let my thoughts wander, dwell on something higher, and deeper and wider than the life that I live. I want to know the truth of the reality that I can’t see, and be used for a purpose greater than any I could come up with. Counting the cost-what is the cost. Losing myself… but to gain something vaster and more magnificent than anything I could find by myself or in myself. Why is it so easy to be content with the 2D, when there is full blown multi-dimensional full to the brim life to be living… I think, it’s because I know me. I know what I see. To push into the unknown is to risk all that you know, all that you love, all that you dream of-yet isn’t it worth it if I find something far deeper and more satisfying than my greatest longings fulfilled…?

In the Land of Not Knowing...

In the land of not knowing
There’s a place with no name
The only way to get there
Is down the road of pain
The signposts to direct you
Are the ones you haven’t seen
Through the land of why and maybe
What if and what might have been

You didn’t choose to go there
You wished it hadn’t come
And torn all of your yesterdays
To leave the future feeling numb
A place of questions without answers
And endless guessing games
Filled by the impenetrable emptiness
That does not go away

Down the street called loneliness
The avenue of fears
There walks a Man in silence
He holds a bottle filled with tears
He waits among the shadows
Until you call His name
Then He comes and sits with you
And holds you in the pain

The road from that place is winding
The direction still unclear
But He promises to stay with you
He tells you not to fear
For He holds all your tomorrows
And He was in your yesterday
And silently He’s waiting here
In the uncertainty today

In the land of not knowing
There’s a place with no name
In that place you found Him there
And He held you in the pain
The questions are unanswered
The journey still remains
But somehow nothing matters now
Because you know His name

C.S.Burroughs
Written 13-04-2006

We Must Go

We must go. It doesn't really infer much of a choice does it? Must... it's a necessity. The question is, go where, do what, why? Voiced through a song I heard a while ago 'God of Justice', these questions began to challenge me. The chorus is as follows:

'we must go
live to feed the hungry
stand beside the broken
we must go
stepping forward
keep us from just singing
move us into action
we must go'

Tim Hughes

I think it's really easy to get caught up in talking about things, but without actually 'doing'. In realising this, I've seen the reality of it in my own life with greater clarity. It is a problem that affects the Christian more than others I think. I suppose that without God there is little need for questioning one's motives, or honesty or integrity... or any of these things, other than to make yourself feel good, or to commend yourself to others. Without God, these things can be a lot more trivial.

With God, well... we're still human, we still long for the approval and acceptance of others, we like to be thought of well, and we are afraid of honesty. Or, we are afraid of what will be thought of us if we are honest. So, we hide the uglier bits of our characters, we stifle the thoughts we have when nobody is looking, and worst of all, we convince ourselves that we are in fact better than we are. Even in things like trusting God. I can look back and see times where I was talking to people about trusting God with something, when I can see I clearly wasn't, because I hadn't given him the time to tell him. In so many areas of my life I do this, I am just so blind to my sin. Anyway, that wasn't what first struck me about this song, nor what I had originally felt I would write... but hey. It is about moving us into action, keeping us from just singing, from just talking about these things, and move. Do. Be. All part of the same thing I guess.

Back to the point... hehe. It's what we're called to... 'Live to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken, we must go'. Jesus' commands are imperative. We are called to more than just living, we have been given life to the full... so we must share that. We are Christ's ambassadors, his representatives, his hands, his feet. I know this truth needs to impact my life more than it does at the moment. That is where we are called to be, no matter how hard that is. I don't see many places in the gospels where Jesus stepped into a comfortable situation, or happy lives. Freely we have received, freely we must give. We must go, to where Jesus went. To where he is now, but where he is not known. Be that to the ends of the earth, or meeting a friend for coffee... the broken are all around us, among us. We must go. We must love.