The Nutcracker

Yesterday I saw The Nutcracker. Our main present this Christmas was a family ticket to see the English National Ballet's performance of Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker at The London Coliseum (designed by Gerald Scarfe and choreographed by Christopher Hampson). It was absolutely breathtaking.

It follows the story of a young girl called Clara, who receives the gift of a wooden nutcracker doll on Christmas Eve. In a dream in the middle of the night, all the toys, including the nutcracker, come to life and a battle is staged in front of the now giant Christmas tree. Following a stand off between the Nutcracker and the King Mouse, the Nutcracker is wounded. Clara is moved to action and rescues her beloved Nutcracker. He is transformed into a handsome prince, because Clara showed her love for him while he was ugly. They are carried by a paper bird to the Kingdom of Sweets, where the Prince once reigned.

The second act follows the Nutcracker Prince and Clara to the Kingdom of Sweets, where they are greeted by the Sugar Plum Fairy and her prince. They are treated to a series of dances by the inhabitants of the kingdom (some of the sweets had the most incredible costumes!). The final scenes of the ballet see the stunning Pas de Deux between the Sugar Plum Fairy and her prince, and the famous 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'. Her poise and grace was stunning. The ballet ends with Clara and the Nutcracker Prince flying home for morning.

I have to say, it moved me to tears. I can't decide whether it was the dancing, or the music (Tchaikovsky did himself proud on this one...) or the redemptive thread running through the story. The moment where the Nutcracker Prince shows his true identity in response to the unconditional love which Clara shows him, despite his outer appearance, speaks so powerfully of grace. It was just beautiful. There is something so magical about ballet. The translation of meaning into movement is so powerful, and you hardly notice that there is no dialogue. When the curtain came down I felt as though I was rising from a dreamlike state - it was simply mesmorising.

I have to say that this memory will remain with me as one of the best of 2010. I urge you, go and see a ballet. You will not be disappointed.

New Year's Ambitions for the Soul

So, I've been thinking about the coming year, and have decided to come up with (as I do every year) a list of things which I would like to do/ achieve/ change in the next year. I love resolutions, and every month or two I find myself compiling a list of things I aspire to do or be in the near future - there's something incredibly focused and inspiring about it. I love to fix my mind on greater things, and set myself challenges, because in the mundane moments of life, that is what sustains me.

2010 Soul Growing Ambitions

Finish knitting the blanket I started this year. It's a patchwork of sorts, made up of as many different colours and weights of wool as I could find, all autumnal colours. This is something I entertain myself with whilst watching a film or hanging out with housemates, and it's so satisfying to watch it develop!

Build up a portfolio of my art and photography, both of which I do for pleasure, and have no ambitions to use professionally, but still something that I recognise as a skill that needs to be honed. I also find both incredibly good for the soul. Art is somewhere I find God, and this for me has been an amazing comfort and joy in times where words have just not been able to penetrate the heights or depths of my feeling.

Speak and read French. Something which I will always be grateful for, is the fact that my dad chose to speak with us in French when we were small. It was his feeling that he wanted his daughters to grow up with a fluency in the language that he acquired in the years he grew up in France. I have to say it has worked! I love that I understand and speak such a beautiful tongue, but I recently realised that I have to be determined in keeping it!

Read more. This is always on every list I write. I find great inspiration in reading, the challenge of grappling with a text until I have really understood it, and have really appreciated what is being expressed is something I have always loved. My degree in English Literature was one of the best things I have ever done, and I revelled in this being my primary pursuit for three years! No matter how much I read, I always feel that I should read more! A few on my list for this year are A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, Confessions by Augustine, Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (how we got through a lit. degree without studying any Orwell, I'm not sure!), A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, Miracles by C.S. Lewis and The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. In addition to this, I'm hoping to discover some new poetry to flood my mind with.

Get an Ordnance Survey map and explore Leicestershire. I'm constantly amazed by what is just around the corner, quite literally, if you'll only look for it. This is my fourth year in Leicester, and now with a car, I have an amazing opportunity to explore it to my heart's content. I also plan on visiting the Peak District and finding some breathing places for inspiration. There is nowhere that I am more sensitive to the presence and voice of the Holy Spirit as when I'm in the countryside. For that reason alone, I am convinced that I need to spend more time exploring it!

Write letters. When I was in sixth form, I had several friends who lived a few hours away, and this began for me a season of letter writing. I can remember the anticipation of knowing that my friend had just received my letter and would no doubt be replying soon. I think that those letters played a very important part in my discovering of who I am and God's call on my life, and were sources of great wisdom. I still remember some of the advice I was given, and how I was encouraged by the sharing of life stories with another. I hope I will always be a letter writer. It is definitely an art.

Explore Camden Town. This year I set myself the challenge of becoming a tourist in our own capital city. This was sparked by a visit to Paris in the spring, where I visited my cousin Rebekah who was studying at L'Alliance Francaise. I love Paris, the architecture, the arts, the street performers, the parks, the history. I was so challenged that for the last few years I have lived within two hours of London and yet have never really immersed myself in its culture. So that is what I have spent some of this year doing. I bought myself a guidebook, and on each visit, I explored a different area of the capital. I have stayed mostly in the City of London, but this year I would like to branch out a little. First on my list is Camden Town.

Cook something new once a week. In our house we share the cooking, and I love this. It means that I have the pleasure of being fed by some pretty amazing cooks, and also, when it is my turn to cook, I find myself much more adventurous when cooking for myself! So, I have decided to capitalise on this, and discover some new recipes!

Go out for lunch alone. A strange one, I know, but over the last year or two, I have developed a taste for my own company. One of my favourite activities for the weekend is to take myself off to a quiet cafe with my notebook, or a the book I am reading at the time, and to 'just be' for a while. I revel in the space for thought, whilst being still amongst other people. I have never managed to pluck up the courage to go out for lunch alone. I am determined to do so this year.

Play my guitar. I love music with a passion, but I have to say, I am not naturally musical! I have taught myself to play guitar, but I need to work on it more. I love it when I play, but more often than not I fill my time with other things, and my guitar is left to entertain itself. The other thing is that I'm not confident when it comes to playing in front of people, my guitar playing is something I tend to keep behind closed doors. I'd love to be more confident though, so this is my challenge for 2010, to lose the fear!

Hand make all my presents. When it comes to birthdays, I love buying presents. There's something so deliciously secretive about choosing a present for someone else. I also love to hand make presents, but never leave myself enough time to do so. This year, my challenge is to hand make every present that I give away.

Explore Leicester's many unique cultures. Living in such a diverse and interesting city, I often feel that I don't really make the most of it. This year I want to immerse myself in a some of Leicester's cultural heritage and learn to understand and appreciate what makes them unique.

Make more of the little moments. Again, this is something I am always challenging myself to do. The pace of life is so fast, that I don't find time to enjoy little moments like brewing tea or watching birds take off, or noticing the cloud formations, or really enjoying what it is that I am doing. I want to learn to live in the moment, but with my eyes heavenward. That is, I want to be able to truly relish the moment that I am living in, whilst being aware of what God is doing, and saying. The last thing I wish to be said of me is that I rushed around, I did too much, and that I didn't really make the most of what it was I was doing.

That's the list, or the beginning of it at least. I think I'd better get started...

I'll keep you posted!

One of Those Formative Years

 

Last Sunday, my housemate Ruth and I got up early, made a pot of fresh coffee and found a quiet corner for a bit of a debrief. I'm fascinated by seasons at the moment, in the natural sense of summer and autumn, within the confines of time, in years and hours, and spiritually. I love that at the end of a season, at the end of a year for example, it's a time to stop in your tracks, look back and finally take in the view of the road you've travelling.

It was definitely one of those moments.

So, over steaming mugs of coffee, while the rest of the house lay sleeping and the world outside was still shrouded in morning frost, we spoke. We spoke of the things that have happened, those we expected, those that took us by surprise, the good, the great, and the downright miserable. We spoke of God, and of the future. Of all the things that were yet to take place, and of the new year awaiting us.

'It's been a great year', said I, without really thinking.

The funny thing is, it has been one of the most challenging years I have ever faced. There have been a couple of spectacularly awful moments. The loss of a dream being one of them, and the loss of  a family member another. The first six months, whilst I was training to teach, were the most exhausting and gruelling months of my life, and by the end of them, I found myself burnt out and having to leave the dream behind. The summer was one of rest and recovery, a little fraught with frustration, but ultimately, filled with the stillness I now see that my soul craved. Then came autumn, with a new house, two new housemates and no job in sight. Unemployment began the next season, and continued only as long as I could bear it, by the grace of God.

With the last of the auburn leaves, on the last day of October, a job finally appeared.

'It's been a good year', I said.

And yes, it has. I have come to a place of contentment in my life that I never thought possible. I don't think that I would have reached it without the first ten months of the year.

It was in that time that I learnt how to fight for what I believed was right. I learnt that failure is not in whether you leave the stage at the end of the act, but in how gracefully you bow as you exit into the wings. I learnt that Leicester is more green than you think, if you only walk and look for it. I learnt that the measure of who I am is not found in the comments left on my lesson plan. I learnt that what we believe beyond shadow of a doubt to be 'God's plan for my life' is not without his rewriting. I learnt that no matter how much you realise it while they are alive, the most inspiring people will always speak the loudest as you say goodbye. I learnt that no matter how hard you try, if God is closing a door, there is nothing you can do about it. I learnt what it is like to get a job as a teacher in a school you love. I learnt what it is to get sick and have to turn it down.  I learnt how to graciously respond to others' sometimes stinging opinions of the way I should/ should not act. I learnt that His are the plans that drive us to throw ourselves into him, because there is no other way.

I learnt that if you give God a time limit, he will stick to it. If you remind him of something he has said, he will see it through. I learnt that God's provision is timeless, more on that later. I learnt to always expect the unexpected, because God will never cease to surprise you. I learnt that cleaning floors at 6am is very humbling, but something that must be done when work is scarce, simply because rent is due. I learnt the joy of being bridesmaid to my oldest friend. I learnt how to create excitement in a world of application forms and waiting for responses that never arrive. I learnt how to make home made baileys. I learnt that love is perhaps not as far away as it seems, but still, more often than not, it is not meant for now. I learnt to feel completely inadequate, again and again, in temp jobs of no consequence. I learnt the satisfaction of being able to go home knowing that the job, however small, has been done well. I learnt the joy of finally, in the last working week of the year, being told that your job is being made permanent. I learnt the simple pleasure of coming home.

It's been one of those formative years. What amazes me, is that it won't be the first ten months that will remain with me as I look back on 2009, but the last two. It'll be the avalanche of things I have learnt. It'll be a deep, unwavering love for the God who was with me through it all.

It'll be a fond reminiscing of 'one of those formative years'.

'It's been a good year', I said. And I meant it.

The Call

Jesus walks (a relative stranger) into your living room while you're watching the news. He looks at you, winks and indicated the television, 'I'll take you there. Come with me!' Suddenly, it dawns on you that you've been bored for longer than you can remember, and something seems to wake up inside-the part of you that remembers how it feels to falls in love and still gets scared of the dark adn one day wants more than anything else in the world to scream so loud that a window really breaks. And so, without a word, you stand, switch off the 'far-off' vision in the corner and follow the relative stranger out through your own front door.

Pete Greig, The Vision and The Vow

I've got a lot of decisions to make at the moment. I think it's getting to that time and stage of life where I have to choose where I'm going to choose to fight my battles. They're being fought everywhere, above and below the surface. The trouble is, we're too passive, too afraid, not enough to get involved. But fight we must, at least somewhere.

It is so easy to assume that you know where you are going, and that the plan of five years ago still stands. Sometimes it does, sometimes not. You see, we follow a living God who knows of what we are made, and he knows that five years ago you wouldn't have listened to him if he had called you to this. Or if he had, you'd have rushed past the waiting to get there. He knew the waiting, the groaning and the growing were going to make you into someone. Into the someone that he is calling now. Whether the battle you are called to is the one you expected or not, you must fight.

God plants dreams in the hearts of children, I believe that. In fact, I know it as fact. I am just beginning to see that when he does, he is serious. He doesn't promise something which he won't fulfill, and he won't call you somewhere he doesn't want you to go. The route can't always be planned in advance, because he will call you out when you're not expecting it, the waiting will end when you don't even realise you're waiting anymore... but until then you must wait. Wait for the signal which tells you where to go. I want to walk the road less travelled.

Only, from here I can't see which one that is.

Love

bears its soul and jumps
into the abyss
end and beginning
plunges to this
clothed in humanity
born of the womb
awakens eternity
breaks from the tomb
time cannot stop it
nor break its fall
love my redeemer
abandons his all

C.S. Burroughs

Juggling

I've been reading a lot of e.e. cummings lately, and I love what he does with form in his poetry. I thought I'd have a go myself...

three balls
two hands
throw
catch
throw
catch throw
throw catch throw
catch
throw
thud
one falls
thud thud

with only one me
and so much to do
how can i keep juggling

throwing and catching
keep the balls in the air
throwing and catching
is anyone there

another ball
two hands
four balls
faster faster
thud thud thud thud

enough

won't somebody stop me

or teach me
or train me
or grow me
or show me

thie juggling act is too much for me
the circus i'm in has forgotten

thow catch thud

i can only perform when i'm free.

C.S. Burroughs

El Paradiso

When was the last time you thought about heaven? I mean really thought about it. For me it's something that I either take for granted or let slip to the back of my consciousness purely because right now it doesn't seem that relevant. Lately though, I've let my mind linger a little on the thought of all things heavenly. Not because I want to work out what it will be like, but more in the hope that the anticipation will somehow draw me out of the inertia I am tempted to settle for. Some would say that being too heavenly minded makes you of no earthly use, but surely the command to fix our eyes on things above is there for a reason? I don't mean to suggest that we should spend our time with our head in the clouds, but in fact the opposite, that perhaps by thinking a bit more about our destination, and therefore the reason for the journey... that we might somehow be more effective along the way.

I realised a couple of years back that God was allowing things to happen in my life in ways that I could not comprehend, and refused to understand, but despite my pain it was worth it in the light of eternity. The idea of God wanting us to suffer for the sake of it throws too many contradictions at the goodness of God, and I don't for one second believe that that is his intention. I think it is more due to the fact that we are safe. Through the blood of Christ we have been eternally found.

Eternally found.

By the grace of God we can never be seperated from him. As far as we are concerned, we are safe. Thus, I'm beginning to understand that this is partly why Christians often have to go through some pretty mind-blowingly awful stuff. It's about God's glory. And it's about the billions upon billions of people who have still not grasped the greatness of God's very real love for them. Lewis put it succinctly, 'pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world' and he wasn't far wrong. I guess the beauty of it is that God allows us to go through crap so that we know him through it, but more than that, so that others can see the painstakingly painful process of us learning to praise through the pain. To glorify him against the odds, and to say that he is good despite the contradictions. Someone is always watching. I realised that if a season of pain for me causes one person to come one step closer to knowing Christ, then it was not all in vain. I also really believe in the power of an honest testimony... which does sometimes mean admitting our intensely inherent frailty in our misunderstanding or non-understanding of God's ways. In fact, I think often the tear-stained doubts speak louder than those rooftop cries of victory.

Now if that sounded like holy trite... it was certainly not meant to be. I guess I just realised that as far as God sees it all (I'm guessing here) he's got me for eternity.

Eternity.

So, momentary pain for me is nothing in the light of our never ending living that will start when this life stops... He promises to sustain me through the most horrific troubles, and through death itself. The more I let people see him in the midst of it, the more he pushes me to the edge. Because it is all about him. Absolutely. Completely.

I think we tend to fall into two main categories when pondering the heavenly is concerned. Those who think of it as something that will happen, to the extent where it is taken for granted and we live in permanent expectation of perfection, without really grasping the significance of the walking we have to do to get there. The other danger I think is to push it to one side entirely, as something that will happen but really isn't big enough for us to take into account, and certainly not something that 'holy' people ought to be thinking about anyway. I'm sure there are more, but those are two that I have definitely found myself falling into. It's such a fine line, and I know I all too often fall headlong over it... How do we find the balance? How can we live in a way where we are eternally bowled over by the awe inspiring grace of God that seeks the needy out of their filth infested ash heap and seats them with the princes, whilst being secure in the knowledge that being found eternally means we can live this life in an attitude of reckless servitude-giving our all till that kingdom come.

I'm still working on that one.

The other thing I've been working my way through lately is how I'll be able to worship him forever. I mean it's something we sing about all the time, but I just don't know if I can trust myself to be able to when I spend pretty much all my time here dodging the bullet when it comes to giving God the time he deserves... and that I need. I just don't know if I'll be able to. I mean yeah I can sing along happily about praising his name always, but if I think about how little I do it now, then how can I be sure.

Then I realised that I can't.

Every inch of the faith I have here has been bestowed upon me. The very privilege of being able to call him Father has cost the lifeblood of the beloved, and has been given to me freely. So why have I any reason to doubt that he won't do the same or even more in giving me all I need to praise him there? I think also that my view of God is going to be so shattered, blown apart and entirely remade when I see him that I think it'll take all of eternity and more to even be able to tell him how beautiful he is.

Thinking about music in heaven and about worship... Sometimes I wonder if I'll want to worship all the time, whether I'll get bored, and then I get that feeling you get when you stumble across a live band playing a song you love, and like an anthem rising, a battle cry... You realise that you were meant to be there to hear it. I wonder whether it'll be like that in heaven, whether we'll realise when we get there that it is the place we were always meant to be... the place we were made for.

Every night I try to see the sunset. At that key moment I run outside with the camera and try to capture it... just because I know that never in all of history has there ever been a sunset like there will be tonight. And every time it is stunning. Every time it is different. And every time I am silenced. The God of a million sunsets is the sun itself. If the sky goes all those shades of colour when an earthly sun sets... just imagine what it'll be like when the heavenly Son rises.

I guess it's about this.

To live in faith now for that moment then.

Pilgrim Lost

What if I don't fit...?

What if I get there at the end of all this, and find my life too big, too tall, too proud of itself to bow down to his.

Will I hasten to grovel, to dig in my dirt, to face the face of infinity I daily sought to avert? What if all of my theories, and all of my joys, and all of my pains are nothing but toys? If my seeking for known-ness was never to know, and for all my attempting have nothing to show… what then?

Radiating humility, unimaginable light, surely compel me towards fight, not flight. What if they don’t? How could I possible conceive a life inside eternity, yet daily choose to die for so much less. All my plethora of excuses can’t conceal this self made mess.

If the gap is too small, what will I miss… the meeting of his humanity with divinity’s kiss. Yet even this is so far from the worst.

If in all of my dreaming I still see myself.

Brink

on the edge
a glimpse almost seen
will then be lost in the now of the inbetween

infinity tempts
simplicity mocks
all the playing with fire could not prepare
what price of knowing the cost

born to be free
dying to live
that touch of invincible
estranged on the brink

this dream of freefalling falling falling
this dream of freefalling
the last burning dream of the lost

C. S. Burroughs

Echoes

Heart keeps beating
Love gets lost
Hope still breathing
Tears unstopped
Peace is screaming
Joy won't speak
Hope still breathing
Faith is weak
Mind over matter
Can't understand
Hope still breathing
Take my hand.

C. S. Burroughs

But...

So its really easy to be misunderstood...


The way that one heart beats is so different to another. Why should we expect to be understood? Why the craving to be known so completely, why the yearning to be at one with another, and to have nothing to explain. And why is it that the times you try and rebuild those burnt out bridges they crumble beneath your approaching footsteps?

I don't know. And I wish I could say that I didn't care, but...

One in a million

Where shall the world be found?

Where shall the word resound?

Not here, there is not enough silence.

T. S. Eliot.

Loneliness and clatter are not our only alternatives. We can cultivate an inner solitude and silence that sets us free from loneliness and fear. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfilment... Solitude is more a state of mind and heart than it is a place. If we process inward solitude we do not fear being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear being with others, for they do not control us. In the midst of noise and confusion we are settled in a deep inner silence. Whether alone or amongst people, we always carry with us a portable sanctuary of the heart... Simply to refrain from talking without a heart listening to God, is not silence.

Richard Foster

To be one, in a million of other people. Amidst the strivings and the stress, to be at peace. To listen to God's soundtrack to life over the chaotic booming of humdrum. People talk about 'tuning in' to God. I think they're right. It's a choice. To listen to yourself, to listen to others, or to let him speak. To hear his still small voice in the eye of the storm. To be found. That is my desire.

Awakening

I am waking up. Not in the conscious, rising from the depths of sleep sense, but more like an awakening of myself. The last few years have brought with them so many turbulent times, that I have become a bundle of questions, doubts and unanswered questions. In the slow, painful quest for answers, I seem to have lost a sense of peace about God's role in it all. The God I used to trust implicitly suddenly changed, and became unpredictable. Or so I thought. The promises He had made were lost in the breaking. And my identity lost with it.

Until recently.

It's almost like the slow and steady dawn, rising from starless skies, and rays of light exploding across the horizon. I feel like today, for the first time, I saw the sun. A tiny inkling of the excitement faith used to be came to me, and captured my gaze. A small shimmer of light in the dim bleakness of the ordinary. In the light of the Cross of Calvary my doubts are laid bare. In the face of Jesus are all the answers I ever searched for, and more. All of a sudden a glimmer of hope breaks through-life can be what I dreamt it would be.

Love Came Down

Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good; Love alone lightens every burden, and makes the rough places smooth. It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders every bitterness sweet and acceptable. The love of Jesus is noble, and inspires us to do great deeds, it moves us always to desire perfection. Love aspires to high things, and is held back by nothing base. Love longs to be free, a stranger to every worldly desire, lest its inner vision become dimmed, and lest worldly self-interest hinder it or ill-fortune cast it down. Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing stronger, nothing higher, nothing wider, nothing more pleasant, nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth; for love is born of God and can rest only in God, above all created things.


Love flies, runs and leaps for joy; it is free and unrestrained. Love gives all for all, resting in One who is highest above all things, from whom every good flows and proceeds. Love does not regard the gifts but turns to the giver of all good gifts. Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds. Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil, attempts things beyond its strength; love sees nothing as impossible for it feels able to achieve all things. Love therefore does great things; it is strange and effective; while he who lacks love faints and fails.


Love is watchful, and while resting never sleeps; weary, it is never exhausted; imprisoned; it is never in bonds; alarmed, it is never afraid; like a living flame and a burning torch, it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle... Love is swift, pure, tender, joyful, and pleasant. Love is strong, patient, faithful, prudent, long-suffering, vigorous, and never self seeking. For when a man is self-seeking he abandons love. Love is watchful, humble, and upright. Love is not fickle and sentimental, nor is it intent on vanities. It is sober, pure, steadfast, quiet, and guarded in all the senses. Love is submissive and obedient to superiors, mean and contemptible in its own sight, devoted and thankful to God, trusting and hoping in Him even when not enjoying His sweetness; for none can live in love without suffering.

Thomas a Kempis

The Road Not Taken

I shall be telling this with a sigh,

Somewhere ages and ages hence,
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The final stanza of Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken' says it all.

At a time of so many choices, decisions and roads diverging off from one another, it's easy to feel bewildered at the prospect of having to decide ultimately which road to follow. Does your decision for the next year affect the rest of your life, will it entail detours which take you away from your goal, do you even have a goal? These are the questions that plague the mind. Every time you feel able to finally decide on something concrete, a sudden doubt creeps in... and before you know it you're off again for another week of wondering what to do with the time you've been given. How can you possibly know what the future will hold from now?

I wonder if Robert Frost had it right. From this perspective we can't know where our choices will lead us, but in a few decades time we will be recounting our lives, and the decisions we make now will determine what stories we will have to tell, and which stories we will wish we could have told. What about all those things you've dreamt of doing? What would happen if you actually did them? What would happen if you didn't... I suppose the paradox is that whilst we long to know our future, we can't. And as often said, even if we did it probably wouldn't give us peace. We can never know if the road we take will lead to where we ultimately want to go. But then, maybe it will take us somewhere even better.

I suppose that's why Frost talks about taking the 'road less travelled', because that is the greater risk. Whether the allusion was merely to a walk through a wood, or whether it has deeper philosophical implications for living, I'm not sure. But one thing I do know, is that the road less travelled is probably the one to take. Take the road that arouses your curiosity, awakens your dreams, and stretches your faith. It will probably be daunting, it might lead through some valleys, and there may be ogres to fight... but... just maybe, it will be worth it. It might make you who you're meant to be.

Build This House

'Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain,
Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stays awake in vain'

Psalm 127:1-2

I read this Psalm recently, and realised that I've been learning the meaning of it more and more in the last few years. And, I think, I could probably say that's one of my biggest prayers for the next year-nicely defined in the chorus of the song 'Build this House' by Lou and Nathan Fellingham:

All I have and all I am is Yours

There’s nothing that I have on earth that doesn’t come from You

I lay aside my pride and worldly worth

To serve You is the greatest thing that I could ever do.

For unless You build this house

I am building it in vain

Unless the work is Yours

There is nothing to be gained

I want something that will stand

When Your Holy fire comes

Something that will last

And to hear You say “Well done”

Giving Glory to You Lord

Glory to You Lord

So easy to desire what others have

Instead of seeing all the gifts that You have given me

So help me fan the flame which You began

And burn in me a love for You that all will clearly see

Lou Fellingham, Nathan Fellingham & busbee

Copyright © 2005

Astounded!

This is really a testimony to our Saviour's grace. I have seen more answered prayers this week than I have done in the last month! The thing I've realised though, is that does not signify God has changed in any way, because He does not ever change (Malachi 3:6). It's not that God has got more faithful in the last week, or suddenly decided to answer my prayers. I know all too well that the reason is in fact that I am praying more. It's amazing how God responds to commitment, and even sacrifice on our part, and overwhelmingly.

This morning I was reading in 1 Kings about Soloman's dedication of the Temple, and He prayed an incredible prayer (see 1 Kings 8:22-61) and one of the things that really struck me about His prayer is that He asked God for something, and then asked God to hear his prayer, for example:

'when they sin against you - for there is no-one who does not sin - and you become angry with them and give them over to the enemy, who takes them captive to his own land, far away or near; and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive and repent and plead with you in the land of their conquerors and say 'we have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly' and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you towards the land you gave their fathers, towards the city you have chosen and the temple I have built for your Name; then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause' 1 Kings 8:46-49

Soloman here describes a very specific situation (one of many if you look at the whole passage) and then goes into great detail about the 'ifs' of the situation, and then goes on to ask God to hear their prayer. The Bible describes a passionate Father who loves to satisfy His children, who longs to answer our prayers. Piper uses the illustration of prayer as God's favourite food, and the satisfaction of his hunger is in answering our prayers.

'He has no deficiency in himself that he needs to fill up, so he gets his satisfaction by magnifying the glory of his riches by filling up the deficiencies of people who pray... so if we want to feed him with the only kind of joy he is capable of, we hold up the empty cup of prayer and let him show the riches of his glory by filling it. Thus the intensity of God's delight in his glory is the measure of his pleasure in the prayers of his people' John Piper, The Pleasures of God

I like to think of prayer with the example of two close friends. It's easy to see sometimes if a friend is struggling, but one of the most frustrating things is when you have no permission to help them, because they themselves haven't shared the problem with you. I think it's sometimes a lot like that with Jesus. He knows my weakness, He knows my struggles, and He knows my needs. Of course, He often provides for me without me asking, by His grace. Though, I often wonder how much more He could have done if I had asked for His help. Our God is a jealous god, in that He desires to have us with hearts undivided. He doesn't want my half-hearted part time affection. He wants my heart, wounds, fears, hopes and dreams. As we choose to seek His face, and to share our lives with Him, to spend time in His presence, to speak with Him of our struggles and our failings, He will be faithful. He will hear our fumbling prayers, and He will answer.

'If my people who are called by my name humble themselves and pray... I will hear from heaven' 2 Chronicles 7:14

It may not be that we expect or like the answer He gives. Our God is Sovereign, His ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). Yet, He is good. He is faithful to us, faithful to His promises. Even in our faithlessness, He will be faithful.

Children of the Cross

God is raising up an army, made of those who are still young,
God is lifting up their voices, through the weak He'll shame the strong
It's been prophesied they will prophesy,
God's salvation they will show,
For the promise is to the children,
To our daughters and sons

Jim Bailey

Inspiring

'It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly... who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of the high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known victory nor defeat.'

Teddy Roosevelt

Who's who?

I've just got back from a couple of weeks in the stunning Pays Basque, in the South of France. I always find that being away from everything for a time is very good for clearing the head, and bringing clarity to the heart. As a bit of an experiment I decided to leave my mobile phone at home in England, switched off and in a drawer... I've become more and more aware of my dependance upon it and decided to do something about it! I actually didn't miss it that much to begin with, but then, as I had more and more time to think, I began to think of things that needed to be done, people that needed to be contacted, things that needed booking etc... and that was where I learnt something new about myself. When I was little I used to dream about the future when I would be able to trust God with things because my parents would no longer sort everything out. Now, I suddenly realised, I'm in that time... except I missed the part where it started. My parents no longer sort everything out, but that is because I'm capable enough to do it myself. It dawned upon me that all the things that were in my head, and felt like they needed immediate attention just went round and round my head... and I found I was worrying about them!

At the same time my thoughts turned to my attitude to God's word and His character. I realised that in saying that I read His word to get to know HIM better, in fact, I do it to get to know me. Or at least I read it in a very egotisitc sense, to see what it means for me now, and very often merely to see what I can get from it. Nothing wrong with either of these, except when this is the first thing that comes to mind, or when it is the reason for what I do.

The combination of these thoughts brought me to a sudden realisation of the distortion of God's picture that I am looking at. As once said 'I want to want to love Him', and in the same way, I want to want Him. I realised a bit of how much I need a complete body and soul transplant to allow me to think rightly. Before I can realise my littleness, I need to realise God's greatness. His sovereignty. I need to recognise Him as He is, and then I might begin to see who I am. But that is not really necessary. In fact, all I need to know is who He is, and then I think who I am just won't matter as much any more. Reminds me of something from a few years ago...

I Am

I am the star that pierces through the night sky,
I am the wind that whispers in the trees,
I am the sun that warms your back in Winter,
I am the hope, breaking darkness into light.

I am the poppy dancing in the cornfield,
I am the violet, flash of purple in the shade,
I am the lily floating sleepy on the millpond,
I am the hand that lifts you when you fall.

I am the peak standing proud beyond the foothills,
I am the valley lying humble down below,
I am the desert, dry and arid like a wasteland,
I am the strength that goes beyond your strife.

I am the surging tide, crashing on the shingle,
I am the still waters, at peace in the lagoon,
I am the joyful stream rippling down the mountain,
I am your comforter in every trial you face.

I am the shadow that follows you in silence,
I am the footprints left imprinted in the sand,
I am the bitter tears wept in your hour of sorrow,
I am the laughter, bubbling, pealing from within.

I am the mighty warrior,
I am the Prince of Peace,
I am the rose of Sharon,
Your always faithful friend,

I am your loving father,
Humble saviour,
Sovereign Lord,

Who am I...?
I AM.

C. S. Burroughs
17/06/03

I need a Moses experience, too easily I trust in my strength or fear in my weakness, I need to know that He was, and is and is to come. He is called I AM.