retreating, den making. sunshine. silence.

Today I had a retreat day... It happened a bit by accident, but I think it was exactly what I needed. It started with a walk in the sun to the shop to get exciting breakfast ingredients -  I've been off my food this week, so it was catching up time. I bought salmon, eggs and bagels, and headed home to pop the kettle on. An hour and a couple of episodes of Friends later, I'd eaten and was thinking about my plans for the rest of the day. I'd had a tentative plan for the afternoon, which didn't happen, so my next thought was to head into town, find a cafe and hide out there for the afternoon. In the end, however, for a number of reasons, I decided that I would have cafe time at home. What I look for in a cafe is a good thinking space, preferably with a view and some sunlight, big cheap drinks and nobody rushing me on. Having the house to myself today, I decided all of these things could happen at home!

There's a space in our house at the moment that isn't really in use for anything but storage, but it has a big window and is south facing, meaning that on a day like today it is like a sun-filled cave. With a couple of blankets and pillows, laptop and speakers, books, scrapbook and art stuff, I was ready, and I had a cosy little secret den to hide out. I made a pot of tea with a stick of cinnamon steeped in it, and then hid myself away for the remainder of the day. It was amazing.

It's funny how you don't realise how much you need to just stop and be alone until you do it, and then your soul begins to breathe again. Also, there really is nothing like a room filled with sunshine.

The Solitary Relationship

'When you said, 'Seek My face, ' my heart said to You, 'Your Face, Lord, I will seek.' Psalm 27:8

Praise me out of the fulness of your heart. Out of the depths of your soul let your songs arise. For I have dealt bountifully with you; I have blessed you in abundance and have multiplied your joys. I have set you in a safe place; I have covered you with My mercies. Blessed be My Name, for I will surround you with my presence and satisfy your heart with My love.

Never be dismayed, nor allow anxiety to find a nesting place in your thoughts. For you are Mine, and My hand will protect you. I will allow no evil to come to you.

You are my possession. I will brook no rivalry. Rebuke the enemy and he will flee from you. Count upon My care: I cannot fail. He that keeps his confidence in me will never be disappointed.

This is a solitary walk. This abiding place in Me is completely removed from the multitude, it is a place to be shared with no other - not even your dearest friend. This knowing Me in secret is an experience alien to the world. This union with Me is the source of your life, of your strength, of your health and your vitality. Nothing can substitute.

Prayer is good, but prayer cannot substitute for solitary communion. Fellowship is good, but it is not the source of life. Life is in Me, and I can give it to you only in the solitary relationship. Seek that place in Me where no other can intrude. You will find Me there, and in finding Me, you will discover all other lacks fulfilled; for in me there is abundant life, and with me there are only joys forever.'

Frances J. Roberts, Come Away With Me, My Beloved.

there is always hope

this might just be my manifesto...

but if a living dance upon dead minds

but if a living dance upon dead minds
why,it is love;but at the earliest spear
of sun perfectly should disappear
moon's utmost magic,or stones speak or one
name control more incredible splendor than
our merely universe, love's also there:
and being here imprisoned,tortured here
love everywhere exploding maims and blinds
(but surely does not forget,perish, sleep
cannot be photographed,measured;disdains
the trivial labelling of punctual brains...
-Who wields a poem huger than the grave?
from only Whom shall time no refuge keep
though all the weird worlds must be opened?
                                           )Love

e.e.cummings 

just blows me away.

i love the sound of the wind rushing through the trees

like the ebb, flow and tumultuous rush of conversation between familiar friends.

the familiar smell of buses

Yesterday I took the caught the bus to work. The smell was incredibly familiar, all of a sudden I was thirteen and on my first day at a new school. How is it possible that every bus smells the same - even hundreds of miles and decades apart, they smell exactly the same.

Nostalgia that hits you between the nostrils.

I have also just about finished my target of reading a book this week. 150 pages to go, and I'm pretty sure that after a soak in the bath and a snuggle on the sofa, my target will have been reached. Next I'll be reading 'The Summer of The Bear' by Bella Pullen, followed by 'The Vision, The Call and The Final Quest' by Rick Joyner. For the latter I've been told I need to take notes...! I've got this habit, you see, of collecting books. Second hand bookshops, charity shops, railway stations, you name it. I love the familiarity of books, a well read book is like a friend. I start reading in the hope that I'll gain some insight that will change me, or open my eyes to a new perspective. I also overestimate the time I have now that I'm working. The two of these work together to give me a very full bookshelf, and a very long reading list. So, I have set myself the challenge of reading at least one book a week, and reviewing it. I'll keep you posted!

Miracle... not just another word for coincidence

'And the hand of our God was upon us, and He delivered us from the hand of the enemy and from ambush along the road.' Ezra 8:31

Feeling slightly anxious in that 'just beneath the service but refusing to admit it' kind of way, I got up, showered and ate my breakfast in the early morning sunlight. I read my Bible, and came across this verse. I knew it was a promise for the day. Assuming this referred to work (the conscious cause of my underlying nerves) I left the house for work. I pulled away, indicated left at the junction and pulled out onto the main road. Only to find that no matter how hard I hit the accelerator, it was not having any impact. I just got slower and slower. Initially thinking it was stuck on my sandal or under the floor mat, but quickly realising it was more serious, I put my hazards on and pulled over, into a conveniently placed layby.

I checked the pedal and it was flat to the floor, floppy in fact. I felt quite shaken up and called Brian, who didn't answer. I then called my Dad and the AA, and was waiting by the side of the road feeling quite wobbly, when Brian drove by. Conveniently, I had broken down on the road he drives down to get to work. He stopped, checked my car, agreed that it was indeed broken, and then had to go to work. I sat down in a patch of sunlight and thought. It suddenly dawned on me that right there, I had been saved from a potentially nasty car accident. Had the accelerator cut out just a little further down the same road, I'd have been on a 50mph road. Not good.

It had also left me feeling pretty powerless, as I'd specifically been driving in early to get ahead with my workload, and to make sure that I had a good day. As I sat on the pavement in the sun, I realised that I had been doing everything that I could to ensure that my day was good... but that was the point - it was what I thought I needed to do. And as much as I thought I was trusting God, I realised I was actually trying to maintain my own level of control, because when my car broke down, so did I. The last thing I felt I needed this morning was to not be in control.

When the AA man arrived, he confirmed that the accelerator cable had snapped, and offered to tow me to my garage. Being 'flat towed' for the first time was pretty scary, I must admit! However, as I was sitting in my car, steering and being towed along by a big yellow AA van, singing along to Soul Survivor 2010, I realised that here was a perfect picture of what it is to trust God. Feeling like I'm in control, but yet, not being in the slightest bit in control. I could steer, but I couldn't crash. When I felt like I was going to go straight into the back of the van, I didn't. When he braked, I stopped, when he turned, I followed. I was perfectly, completely safe, and I could sit there tense, hitting the floor with my right foot because I thought he wasn't braking soon enough, or I could just relax and trust him.

Having dropped my car off at the garage, I walked into town to catch a bus. I needed cash, and having gone ot the Charles St. bus station, figured I needed to go to St. Margarets. Walking through the bus station, 'Time after Time' was playing, 'when you fall I will catch you, I'll be with you, time after time'. It was like God was speaking to me through a loudspeaker after the morning's events! I stopped at the Co-op to get a sandwich, and as I was looking, felt I should go to the Tesco next door. So I did, and then as I walked out of the door, I found myself at a bus stop for the number 158 bus to Nuneaton. The exact bus stop that I needed, but yet I had no idea which bus number I even needed. And the bus stop was nowhere near either of the places I thought I should go to. Yet another coincidence.

Arriving at work, I hurriedly checked my emails, trying to catch up quickly on lost time, flicking past the verses that arrive in my inbox every morning. Today's verses were a string of references to God's protection:

“I am with you to save you.”

Can the prey be taken from the mighty, or the captives of a tyrant be rescued? For thus says the Lord: “Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken, and the prey of the tyrant be rescued, for I will contend with those who contend with you. . . . Then all flesh shall know that I am the Lord your Savior, and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”—Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.—Because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.—The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
Jer. 15:20; Isa. 49:24-26; Isa. 41:10; Heb. 4:15; Heb. 2:18; Ps. 37:23, 24

Coincidence??

Okay, so if all of that wasn't enough... this week I am house sitting (and staying with the lovely Steph Smith). Any other week, getting the bus to work would be a nightmare as I'd have to travel right into town and out again. This week however, I live conveniently under 15 minutes walk from the bus route that I need. Coincidence?

I think not.

If I ever needed a reminder that God is living, active and speaking, it was clearly today. And man, did I get one... or a few.

Lost For The First Time

Today, I had my introduction to Lost. Three episodes in and I'm hooked! If not for the gripping nature of the plot, the stunning scenery and the humour, it's for the characterisation. Just amazing. I mean, I've not exactly got very far yet, but already I'm engaged with several of the key characters. Kate, the fugitive, her guarded eyes and troubled posture. Jack, well, just amazing. What strength he has shown already, stepping up immediately as the island protector, but yet, he is one of the characters we know least about. Saiid, brusque but kind hearted. The Korean couple struggling to comprehend one another. I could go on... I'm fascinated to see how it all develops (if you've seen it, don't tell me...) and most of all to watch the character development. It's clever the way music is used as well, there is very little apart to add to the tension, except when Hurley pops on his headphones. Suddenly distance is created, and you're allowed to reflect for the first time on what has taken place, and you begin to see the mending and building of relationships across the rubble.

I'm sure I could be pretty wrong on most of this, but that's the joy of watching a story play out. You just never quite know... I like that.

I also enjoyed Jack's little anecdote about his medical career, and the fear. Telling of an operation which went wrong, with potentially fatal consequences, Jack describes 'the fear' and says that he gave it five seconds to enter, do its thing, but five seconds only. Later, you see Kate remember and utilise this in the jungle. Watching them both, I was encouraged. We all get scared, but the fact is, fear is never in control. I suppose there is always that moment of choice. Will I let it get the better of me, or not. If Jack had let it consume him, he would never have got to the point of being the doctor able to save so many in the crisis on the island. But I'll bet you anything that in that operating theatre, he never dreamt how that moment of courage would change the course of his, and many people's lives. Probably before that moment, and in it. I'll be interested to see some more of the philosophical depth of the series too, as I can tell there will be more.

Now, song of today:
http://www.we7.com/#/song/Hezekiah-Walker--LFC/Hold-Out

Pink Grapefruits and Friends

So, three days into my little exercise of writing each day, and oddly enough, the first post. The first, written under the apple tree in our garden at home, is saved on my Mum's laptop, and I'm awaiting its arrival by email. The second, well, it is still in my head. However, today, I have something else on my mind so I'm writing about that. The rest will follow retrospectively.

Today has been a good day. Considering I was dreading it, for reasons I won't disclose here, it was a very good day. I didn't manage to have breakfast (a secondary part of my post Easter challenge - funny how I didn't do anything for Lent this year and am now churning out the challenges as soon as it is over. Mind you, Lent was never supposed to be about that, but anyway) but that is always something I'll find difficult. I just don't feel hungry in the mornings. I think tomorrow I might buy a grapefruit. A pink grapefruit. I didn't like them at all growing up, but after watching so many people devour them over the years, I decided this was a fruit I must master. So, I ate half a pink grapefruit one day. Then the other half the next day. Before long I too became a 'eat-it-with-a-spoon' pink grapefruit devourer. I wonder if one day someone will look at me and wonder whether they should try to like pink grapefruits. Probably not.

Following breakfast came work, which passed quite quickly today, something I was grateful for. The first day back after a long weekend is always more of a challenge! Then after work I met Annie at Nandos. I love Nandos. No matter how often we have been to eat there together, we always choose the exact same thing on the menu (to share, of course!) chicken wings (lemon and herb for Annie), salad, olives, chips and halloumi cheese! Tonight we splashed out on red pepper dip too... yum! We sat in a booth, and we talked. It was incredibly good to just take lots of time to eat, talk, reflect and laugh. It was something we used to do a lot when we were doing our teacher training, after being placed in the same school we'd drive over to Starbucks every day, plan our lessons, drink delicious coffee or Earl Grey tea, eat cake and debrief the days events. The journey there having drained the frustrations already (we used to call it the 'car of honesty' for all the secrets that were disclosed there!!) It felt great to take some time out to do that again.

Then I came home, had a think, and phoned Lucy.  We talked for almost two hours, about life and work, reminiscing about the past and probing the future. It's been too long since I've seen Lucy, but I am incredibly grateful for her friendship over the years, and her unfailing interest in my thoughts and concerns. I love that we're about as crazy as each other, so neither of us has to worry that the other thinks she is mad. However, you'd think, with twenty five years of living in your own heart, mind, soul and body, that you'd understand yourself, wouldn't you? Yet, how is it possible to still be having conversations with friends, and be asked the question, 'but surely you knew you felt that way?' or 'is that news to you?' about various things, or to have it pointed out to you that the thing you're actually concerned about is the one thing you're not voicing. How well we think we know ourselves, but how far we are from the truth. No wonder it takes a lifetime to know another person, when you don't even know yourself... in fact, in some ways, the older I get, the more I surprise myself. Thankfully there are a few amazing people around me who understand me better than I understand myself. Today, I am grateful for friends who have the perception to see in me what I can't see, and the grace to point it out to me so that I can live wisely.

To Annie and Lucy, thank you. I will buy you a grapefruit each. A pink one. If you like them.

Mind Revolution of a Gospel Kind

The second challenge, is to listen to gospel music. There's such power in the proclamation of truth, the possession of promise and the activation of scripture in it. In my battle for the renewal of my mind, I feel this is key. So, from today I'm listening to gospel music, I've prescribed myself an hour a day... So far, so good!

I'm far from defeated yet. It's one of those Aragorn moments, time to pick up the sword again.

Watch this space.

And check this out for my tune of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhTLb8VGQnk

Resurrection Day

We are brought up with this question of ‘what am I going to do with my life?’ and ‘what do I want to be when I grow up?’ Some of us know instantly what it is we would like to do, simple as a heartbeat we know what it is we were made for. Others wrestle with the question for years, throwing ideas around, eventually working it out or giving up because we feel inadequate just making the decision. Then there are those who seize the day, go where the wind takes them, and choose to just take it one step at a time, trusting that at some moment they’ll end up doing what they’re supposed to do. I wonder if sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves with all of this. Perhaps there is not simply one thing we are supposed to do with out lives, maybe in fact there are many… but if that is the case, then why do we have this inbuilt question, and this feeling that ‘I’m not where I’m supposed to be’, this sense that somewhere out there is a place where I fit in, where there is something to be done that requires my personality, character, skill set, and experience.

At the moment I would say it’s a bit of a personal grapple of my own. I’m not where I thought I would be. In many ways I’m not where I wanted to be, and I’m definitely not where I ultimately want to be. Does that mean though that I’m not in the right place doing the right thing? Not necessarily.

For me, everything all comes down to faith. How can it not when my life is centred around my faith in Jesus Christ, and lived in relationship with him. So, for those of you not so inclined, please bear with me as I try to unravel this one. The thing is, people throughout my life have said to me ‘God has a purpose’ and I’ve seen from the Bible (which I believe to be God’s word) that this is true. That God is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8.28). That God has a plan for my life… that many are the plans God has for me, plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29.11) That God orders my steps, that he lights my way, that he leads me by ways I have not known… I could go on and on and give you hundreds of references all screaming out the same thing. That God knows. That God cares. That God has called me for such a time as this (Esther).

So, why is this so difficult?

I suppose that is exactly why it is difficult. It’s that tension between how it is and how it should be, what I know and how it feels. And the tension between the now and the not yet. When I went to Uni, I had this phrase which I’d tell myself when everything felt like it was going a little off track ‘embrace the chaos’. I remember hearing a talk when I was about 15 and the speaker said, ‘embrace the tension’. This afternoon I’ve been thinking about how maybe I need to do exactly this. Embrace the tension between what I wished would happen and what did. Between what I dream of, and what I’m living. Perhaps it is less about discovering what I ‘should’ be doing, and more about embracing what I am doing. Making the most of every tiny opportunity, the gift of every day. This situation won’t last forever, and while sometimes I feel like it might just all engulf me, I know that I have a God who is faithful, who made all the promises above (and many more) and who is ultimately leading me down a path less travelled, to a place yet unknown. However. Perhaps I need to have faith to believe that God doesn’t just have one purpose for my life, but that in my life at all times, there is purpose. 

The last few months I’ve realised the impact of God being outside of time (an ongoing thought). In which case, the purpose he has is constant. The purpose of God in your life is constant, at all times, in all circumstances, he has  a purpose in what is happening to you, and he is going to use it, is using it and has already used it in your future. He’s outside time, remember… so he has already seen and enabled that thing which is the direct result of what is happening to you now. No matter how difficult, impossible, meaningless or even overwhelming it may feel, he is able to use it, and is already ahead of you, using it to open doors in your future. What happens to you today will at some point, guaranteed, be of encouragement to someone else in time to come. It always is. So, that’s one thing.

Whilst I know all of this, I think often for me the greatest challenge is deciding what to do with now… because between now and not yet there is a walking out of the everyday. And whatever the purpose is in my situation, at the moment the reality is that I have had enough, and I am worn out. However. I refuse to be defeated. So, I have been thinking of ways to pass the time, and ways to use this time to grow and develop and the practical ‘how’ of getting through it. Which is precisely why I am writing now. This is one of them.

When I think of what I would like to do with my life, what I dreamt of doing, and what I love to do, there are a few key things which run steadfast throughout. One of these being writing. That’s one thing about my job at the moment – I do get to write quite a bit. The advantage of working in a creative environment, and advertising. However, I don’t take the time like I used to (like this moment right now) to just let my thoughts run over the page. And when was the last time I wrote a story or a poem? It’s been a while. So, from today, I have decided that for the next month (it’s probably worth setting a realistic target seeing as I usually set my goals far too high!) I am going to try and write something every day. Irrespective of genre, length, subject or quality. I think I just need to get back in the habit of writing. If nothing else, I find that it helps to order my thoughts, inspire me and keep my eyes fixed on something bigger. I’ve often found that it is easy to lose a sense of perspective by becoming too fixated on the immediate circumstances. Sometimes it helps me to set myself a challenge, a task, or find a project.

So, for now, in the limbo, this is mine. I'm going to write every day. About something... anything... nothing. We'll just see what happens. As for the rest, in time, I'll get there... so will you. Enough thinking, time to live in the now. 

When Faces Called Flowers Float Out of The Ground

one of e.e.cummings' finest. and oh so beautifully apt. enjoy:'

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it's april(yes,april;my darling)it's spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)

when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it's spring(all our night becomes day)o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)

What I Can't Say...

Sometimes my own words just can't cut it.

'Though hot the fight, why quit the field? Why must I either flee or yield?'
Why Should I Fear The Darkest Hour by John Newton.

A classic, a hymn (I'm a big fan of hymnwriters, and reading hymns as poetry - you should check out Olney Hymns by John Newton and William Cowper if you're a fan of this one...) Do you ever question your doubts, or feel frustrated by your own lack of follow in an area of your life? I know I do. So did John Newton, ex slave trader and one of England's greatest hymn writers... I love his honesty, the raw emotion and transparency, whilst clearly battling with his own giants, he clings to the truth and fights it out. Not to feel would be a lie, but to rely only on what he feels would be deception. So a holy war ensues between the two...
Why should I fear the darkest hour,
or tremble at the tempter's power?
Jesus vouchsafes to be my tower.
Though hot the fight, why quit the field?
Why must I either flee or yield?
Since Jesus is my mighty shield?

I know not what may soon betide
or how my wants shall be supplied;
but Jesus knows and will provide.
Though sin would fill me with distress,
the throne of grace I dare address,
for Jesus is my righteousness.

Though faint my prayers and cold my love,
my steadfast hope shall not remove
while Jesus intercedes above.
Against me earth and hell combine;
but on my side is power divine;
Jesus is all and he is mine.

Take your weakness. Take your pain. Take your questions. Take your doubts. Take the most honest version of yourself, and go to Jesus. He will take it all, and make sense from what you cannot. He will answer some questions, and others his presence will dispel. But he will never ignore you. And he'll never leave you inconclusive. The conclusion will always, and forever, be himself. There is no greater answer to the questions of this life. It's an honour to work them out hand in hand with the one who holds both the architects plans and the key to the finished work. Beginning and end, he is, he was, he will be. Take it all. To Him. Then leave it. Once you have Him, you don't need anything else. Guaranteed.

Living Houses

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself...

C.S.Lewis

The Most Beautiful Exchange

This morning God spoke to me as I walked into town, listening to The Beautiful Exchange (Hillsong).

It has been a long week, I've felt heavy hearted and burdened by a few situations in my life and those close to me. Sometimes things just feel so huge and I just felt tiny, inadequate and helpless in the face of them.

The lyrics of the song are:

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned
I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption
You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away

My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

As I listened, I felt something change in my spirit, as I realised that that beautiful exchange counts for today. The cross is outside of time, and happened once, and for all. But I'm still locked in time (for now) and therefore I haven't yet felt all of the pain, suffering, shame or sin that Jesus bore for me.

In moments like this where I feel overwhelmed by it all, I can come to the cross, and receive that beautiful exchange again. And again.

He takes my sin, he sets me free. He takes my pain and gives me peace. He takes the ache in my heart and makes it whole. He gives me beauty for ashes, joy for sorrow. Hope instead of despair. Life instead of death.

There is no more beautiful exchange than that, and today, I receive it again.

I pledge allegiance to a country without borders...

The title of this blog is taken from Switchfoot's 'Politicians', taken from Nothing is Sound. This track came on shuffle today, and I have not been able to get that line out of my head all day. What exactly does it mean to pledge allegiance to a country without borders? Two things have happened today to clarify this for me.

I met a friend for coffee this morning, and she told me that she'd been reading a book by a guy who mentioned that a homeless man had stopped him in the street and asked him for a hug. He obliged. In the book he went on to comment that Jesus lived life like this, without borders. If asked, he always engaged with the person, and the issue. His actions were a direct measure of the worth of each person. I don't see him ignoring one person in the gospels now I think about it. One thing I realised was that Jesus lived in a way that challenges us, because he never held back because the situation at hand was uncomfortable, messy or undignified. Most of the time, he had to get involved in full view of those around him, yet this never swayed his resolve or integrity. Jesus just WAS. He was how he was. He is how he is. Being in very nature God, he is unchanging. I am horribly aware of my own inadequacy in this area, I know that I can be very fickle. Or have the best intentions but forget to follow though.

This brings me to the second thing that happened. Tonight I spent some time with someone who brought to light my lack of follow through of late. I've had a lot going on, but admittedly, that shouldn't make a difference. I want to be someone who is relentless in their pursuit of Christ, all that he is and in constant renewal to become the person he has made me to be - a person more like him. He has, and will not ever let anyone down. It frustrates me that in my heart I have such good intentions, ones that I will even verbalise in the form of promise - and then as soon as the words leave my lips, I'll forget and then it will be a week later and too late to act. I don't want to be this way. Paul, one of the leaders of the early church, puts it this way, 'I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do' Romans 7:15. This is of great encouragement to me, because Paul had some of the most mind blowing revelations, and it's humbling to realise that he too struggled in this battle with contradiction, the tension 'between how it is and how it should be' as Switchfoot word it.

The thing is, when placed in the context of my initial thought 'I pledge allegiance to a country without borders', I think that for today, and for the coming days and weeks, this will be my mission. To live my life pledging allegiance to a country without borders. A place where, if Jesus would do it, so shall I. If he would stop, reach out, make a phone call, write an email, buy a coffee for someone sheltering from the rain, give away my shoes - whatever it is, that I would try to do so. I know (and in advance I apologise for this) that sometimes I will forget. I know that I'm terribly fallible and will certainly at points let my own borders hold me back, but I want to make a life choice now - to see things from the perspective of a citizen of a country without borders.

I pledge allegiance to that country.

And it's manifesto goes something like this:

Why not to get on a bus...

Today I was going to catch a bus home from town. I didn't. I'm glad I didn't, because I would have missed so many tiny splashes of beauty. The rain hitting my skin like a thousand tiny drops of sky. A delicious amaretto hot chocolate to warm both hands and stomach. The Narnian lamp posts of New Walk. The prison which with it's turrets must (I'm sure) feature in some incredible adventure story. The many many scores of men with their sons on the way to watch a Tigers game - so many different expressions of fatherhood. The silence of the back streets. Children racing each other to the traffic lights. The whoosh of each car as it passed me on the main road. The moment my thoughts shouted louder than the traffic and drowned it out. The inverted fleur de lys created in ironwork on the door of the bridal shop. The first star to come out. So many tiny reasons not to get on the bus...

A Perfect Moment

There is something about creating the perfect moment. This afternoon for example, I set our for such a moment. Knowing that I had some thinking to do, I made up a flask of hot chocolate (it's getting to that time of year when flasks come in handy again!), grabbed my notebook, sketchbook and Bible, oh, and Brooke's new album which is now becoming my soundtrack to this season... and drove out to the countryside to find me some space. I had three things I was looking for, a hilltop, trees (beech, of course) and a whole lot of sky. Don't you notice that in the city there is far less sky about than in the country? So, I ended up out near Bradgate Park. 


It was my intention to find a spot just over the hill a bit further out, where I spotted some incredible trees in the summer, and knew that autumn would have taken them captive with its flaming colours. I drove about for a while, partly because I hadn't quite found the right place, and partly because I was stuck on a track on the album which got me a bit lost in thought. And then I saw it. A glow of gold loomed in front of me as I drove up a hill, lined in trees. Around a bend, through a field and over a sheep's feeding trough, I caught a glimpse of more colour, and much much more sky. So I followed, winding my way uphill until I reached the brow, where I was able to turn off and caught the beginnings of a sunset in all its glory over a drystone wall. Amazingly, there was a car park, and a bench... just perfect. Grabbing my bag, I jumped out (I could sense that this would not be a lingering sunset) and made my way to the top of the hill where above some rocks, I had an incredible 360° view of the surrounding area. Breathtaking. 


And then, right in front of me the sun was slowly ebbing away below the horizon, glowing a deep fuschia pink, with streaks of gold flying out from it across the sky, and wafts of  pale pink floating like candy floss clouds across a sea of colour. It was stunning. I stood there a while, with my mug of hot chocolate, before wandering down to the bench to enjoy watching the colours fade as the sky returned to normal and night began to descend. 


Just as it began to get dark, and I started to get cold, I decided it was time to head home. Taking a different path back to the car, I found myself walking next to a shaded glade of huge beech trees, surrounded by a low drystone wall with plenty of gaps in it. Stood beneath a canopy of suspended colour, I was amazed by the variety in the colours of the leaves - I mean, I embrace autumn every single year, and yet I was astounded by the depth and variety of colour that occured on one single branch. Leaves of auburn, red, gold, bright yellow, green, ochre and brown. Some tinged with more than one shade or tone. Just beautiful. As I returned to the car, I remembered that I had found everything I had gone looking for, and found them all in one perfect moment. 


The thing is, I couldn't have created that if I'd tried. A tradition I have back home is to go outside to a grass bank outside the house and watch the sunset. Every day. I have done so pretty much every day that I've been at home since my first few weeks of lower sixth. There is something magical about the fact that every single night (apart from the rainy ones) the sun sets a completely different way. Sometimes it is sudden and violent in its dramatic array of colour, and others it almost slips away unnoticed with a glow of yellows and blues. The thing is, there are so many times where I've hoped to catch the sunset and just missed it. Or got outside just after the sun has dropped its head below the horizon, only to catch the end. Tonight, I hoped that I might perhaps stumble across it, but that was it. And I was completely blow away by it. 


When I thought about it as I drove home, it really spoke to me of God and what he does if we'll only expect of him, and then give him the space to do it how he would like. He is the great artist after all. I love the sentiment of 'Carpe Diem', the sense of seizing the day, seizing the moment and making it great. I think sometimes though it can miss that echo of needing to wait and savour the moment. It speaks of a valiant rushing out to battle at the right moment - to have that you must wait long enough to know what that moment it when it happens. Similarly, when we set our hearts to seek God, we too should allow him the time and space to truly create something great. I think today I learnt something as I dedicated that time to finding the sky, trees and hilltop. I was determined not to come back unless and until I had done so. I was expectant, that I would. And I wasn't exactly sure where exactly it was going to come from. Had I gone to the hilltop I first thought of, I would have missed the canvas that God painted for me, because it faces a different direction and the sunset would simply not have been visible. God is a God who loves and created detail, and I think in our eagerness we expect the best, but determine how it will arrive. 


I love the art of creating that perfect moment. A favourite evening activity when I'm on my own is to light candles around my room, put on a killer album, and paint. Or read. Or write. The thing is, when I do that, what I produce is of better quality but also, there is a stillness in my soul created by the sense of having arrived early for the main event. Like tonight, I arrived just before the first act. And because of that, it was so much better than I could have imagined. I think in my learning to seek God, I might try out the art of preparing for, and creating that perfect moment by making time for God, preparing the space for him, and arriving a little bit early... because I never know just how he might arrive, or what he might say, and I want to give him that space to surprise me. 

From the Inside Out

Have you ever thought about progress? I've been dwelling on the subject for a few weeks now, in between work, weddings and the ins and outs of everyday life. Driving to and from work, or walking down a green shaded lane in Ireland, I've been confronted by the idea that progress works its way from the inside out. 

Progress is incredibly hard to measure. You can feel that you are making progress in an area, and then find yourself ten steps back from where you began. Does this mean that there has been no progress made, or that the progress you made was then cancelled out in regression? Or does it mean that progress is not so much of a moving along a straight and measured line from A to B, but more of a growing, more of a stretching, and almost like another few inches in an unraveling of string. 

It is more like the unsure steps of a toddler just learning to bear his own weight on his yet untested feet. A little stumble doesn't mean that he has lost the ability to get up again, or place on foot in front of the other and learn to walk. More so, it motivates him to get up and continue with renewed determination, because he knows that he got that far before he fell... 

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that progress works itself from the inside out. It takes a conscious decision to step out in the first place, and then again, and risk the fall. The journey from walking to running often happens more internally than we give it credit for. It is easy when you're teaching or mentoring, to feel that you are making little impact, and that progress is just not happening. In my experience though, this is rarely true. In this life, we are rarely standing still. We progress. We regress. It is an inherent part of being human. We move forwards, or backwards, progress or regress, but we are rarely standing still. 

Yet, in order to move in any direction, or more specifically, the right direction - it takes a conscious choice, and a determined effort. It also takes knowing where you want to get to. Without vision, a people perish. And without vision, progress is difficult. I'm becoming more and more convinced that each decision we face is a choice to progress or regress, to move in one direction or another. In every moment that I face, I choose to be a greater or lesser version of myself, I choose to strength or weakness, trust or fear. Of course it is natural to lose our footing at some point or other, but the measure of the progress is in how quickly we get back up and try again. 

It's that internal decision, and decided motivation that will determine the quality of our progression. Speed of progression is neither here nor there - some things just take longer to learn than others, and that is okay. More important is having that sense of where you're going, and the confidence to get back up again when you stumble or fall. It will happen, if you choose it, from the inside out. To progress is to become.